SHOTGUN (1989) Stuart Chapin

Ian 'Shotgun' Jones & Max Billings are two of LA's toughest cops (although Ian is slightly tougher, hence the nickname) These cops casually spend their nightshifts chatting to prostitutes (hell, Ian's sister IS a prostitute) and can be usually found sat in their patrol car, shooting the shit. Whilst right under their noses, a sadistic lawyer, Fletcher Rivington (who's a dead ringer for Simon Le Bon) is using his friend, Rocker (no, i'm not making these names up) to lure prostitutes to seedy motels (actually, the same motel is used throughout the movie) and then perform a switch-a-roo, so that Rivington (dressed up in full bondage gear) can sadisticly beat them up (in fact the first victim, Rhonda, doesn't seem to mind, just as long as she's paid accordingly.)

Things get personal, however when Ians sister is murdered by the perverted lawyer, and Ian is not going to let his suspension for beating up an Internal Affairs investigator, nor his newfound job as a 'Bounty Hunter' (or 'Skip Tracer', as they like to be called nowadays) or Max's attempted murder, get in the way of 'Deadly-Justice'. So Jones tracks down his old army buddy, makes an armoured car, and heads down to Mexico, to find Rivington, and bring the 'Ruckas to all y'all muthaphuckaz'


SHOTGUN is without a doubt, one of the most laugh-out loud movies ever made. The dialogue is ripe, the acting is resistible and the camerawork attrocious, resulting in what looks like out-takes from a porno flick. PM Entertainment (who went on to do bigger, but not alltogether 'better' pictures) have spared every expense, and it actually works in their favour. For starters, you need only look at the lead actor:

(Ian 'Shotgun' Jones)

Stuart Chapin looks like a cross bewtween Graham Chapman in 'Yellowbeard' and Mike Lackey (from 'Street Trash') than a tough guy (let alone, any kind of leading man) He tops off the whole 'derelict' look, with 'three-quarter length overcoats', vomitt-inducing jumpers, and 'large brimmed hats'. And Chapins acting range compliments his appearence. Note his (semi-drunken) lament, at his sisters murder:

Jones - "It's not supposed to go down like this (pause) I'm the one that's supposed to end up dead (pause) I'm a cop (pause) You don't kill a cops family (pause) You kill the cop (pause) She was the only blood relative i had (pause) She was a rebel and I was always getting her out of shit (pause) First year on the force, i roughed up a guy who's arrested her (pause) Figured he was too rough (pause) She kicked him in the nuts (sobs) I hated what she did (pause) But i loved who she was (pause) And more than anything else, i just wanted to be proud of her (pause) Sometimes, I'd come home from the shift and she'd make me some food, and i could tell she's been working all night (pause) and they'd always be a fight....... (looks up) Bartender, another!"


Max Billings (black sidekick, and slightly less crazier partner) fares little better in the acting stakes, his 'method' moment comes at 27:34, as he utters the line "OH I NEED A DRINK...OH CHRIST I NEED A DRINK!" (which easily surpasses Ryan O'Neals "Oh Man, Oh God, Oh Man, Oh God, Oh Man, Oh God!" line from TOUGH GUYS DON'T DANCE, as the worst overacting of all time)

(Billings looks on, as Shotgun gives his captain the 'Hershey Squirts')

(Fletcher Rivington, Lawyer, Pervert, Kinko and Basher and lead singer with Duran Duran)

The character of Fletcher Rivington is (however) a classic. Apart from looking like Simon LeBon, he also has a camp British accent (rounded off with a lisp) and his drawn out hokey "I'm rich, the law can't stop me" dialogue is a must for lovers of B-movies everwhere. James Cameron should spend $400m of his own money, and build a franchise around this character (he's that good)

Other secondary characters (who am I kidding, the primary characters rarely rise above secondary status, in this movie) are also a laughable hodge-podge of hoary old clichés, starting with a bizarre (one-off) cameo of a guy (with little else in life, but an amazing beard) sat in a bar 'droppin-a-dime' on Rivington (or 'The Basher' as he's affectionately known)
Referred to, only as Dooley, this pudgy Kenny Rodgers wannabe, gives our two heroes the most useless information ever, about a prostitute who'd been bashed by 'The Kinko'

Dooley -
"You know Rhonda may be a hooker, but nobody deserves treatment like that....nobody......You nail that son of a bitch!"


Then there's Jones 'Skip Tracer' boss, Barbara Devlin (a slutty 80's 'Dynasty-wannabe' blonde who, like most women in this movie, are all over Shotgun like flies on shit.) After Shotgun completes the most informal (not to mention quickest) job interview ever, there are hints at a possible relationship between Shotgun and his boss. Sadly, nothing comes from it, but we can all enjoy the incendiary passion that emits from the screen (so hot, it threatens to burn it's viewers bedsit down!) in the few scenes they're together.

And not forgetting, sex boutique owner (and leather waistcoat wearing, crooked-teeth having, 'child pornographer') Joey. His lovable antics and cheery demeanor, add a lighter dimension to paedophillia (that you just don't get in George Clooney movies) He (like Dooley) is completely useless in the old 'Information' department. But Joey does however get TWO scenes in this movie*
(so three cheers for 'purveyours of the prepubescent')


At the climax, Shotgun runs off to the desert, and finds his old survivalist pal Sam (who you wouldn't expect to favour 'sandy' surroundings, as he looks more like a 'Village Person'.....if you get my drift?) and the two guys build an armoured veichle to take on Rivingtons mexican army. And after mucho catering for the boys (with it's non-stop action, acting and large brimmed hats) the movie decides to give the 'Female' viewers something back (for their enduring patience) in the form of a montage of Shotgun and Sam drilling, welding and (basically) sweating into their grubby vests. Short of gyrating their hips, this sequence is everthing a hot-blooded woman should need. Below is Sam (looking like a reject from Frankie Goes To Hollywood...if such a standard exists?)

And now it's Shotguns turn, to get in on the act, in this 'teasing' montage (for the 'Lady' folk)

(Shotgun has a brain for business...and a Bod for sin!)

And yet, despite the movies many (many) shortcomings, it's one of the most consistantly entertaining (unintentionally funny) movies ever.
It will rape your senses.

Oh yeah, and the faux-heavy metal signiture tune for this movie is (Benny) Hill(arious) Here's the lyrics, music lovers:

"Nothing is sacred from those with power"
"Destroying the lives of those they devour"
"They throw their hands up overlooking the law"
"As if they exist without a flaw"

(Chorus)
"You never burn out from being busted"
"Cause the shotgun of jones....Is deadly justice"
"Shot...Gun.....Shotgun........Jones!"

Movie Highlights


Too numerous to mention, although the chase sequence at 68:49 (Between Shotgun and Rocker) is a doozy (with Stuart Chapin exhibiting all the athletic prowess of a diarrhetic wino)

("How many stars out of ten, guys?")

(*= Although he is murdered in his second scene...so congratulations to 'The Daily Mail')

CYBORG COP (1993) David Bradley

The 80's spawned the TERMINATOR and ROBOCOP franchise. But it wasn't til the 90's (and the success of T2) that low budget film-makers jumped on the 'Cyborg' genre with gusto.
Nu-Image (just as PM Entertainment before them) were experts at getting as much 'Bang-for-your-buck' as their meagre budgets would allow, and swamped the video shelves with lurid action flicks, Erotic thrillers, Martial Arts Mash-ups and Futuristic Sci-Fi.

Their 1993 action/martial arts/sci-fi flick CYBORG COP (replete with token 'erotic scene' as standard) has to be seen (preferrably conscious) to be disbelieved (oh yeah, and laughed at)
Back in 1993, this probably seemed a cool concept, and if the budget had only stretched beyond it's $300 limit, then SCHINDLERS LIST might* have had some serious competition at the oscars.

David (American Ninja 3, 4 & 5) Bradley plays disgraced Ex DEA agent 'Jack' (no complicatd surnames required) Jack's been suspended, since he shot a psycho who'd taken a hostage (don't ask......okay then, if you insist....turns out the psycho was the son of a infuential millionaire, who got Jack kicked off the force...three cheers for the American justice system!) Down, but not out, Jack is soon sprung back into action when he gets word that his 'Special Forces' brother 'Phillip', has not returned from a covert operation on the Caribbean island of St. Keith. However we, the (desperate) viewer know only too well, that Phillip has been captured and re-built as a (dramatic pause........wait for it....) CYBORG!!

(ouch!)

It seems that the island of St. Keith is run by an evil meglomaniac scientist, called Kessel (played in full-tilt 'Lancashirian' mode, by John Rhys Davies) who not only posseses the "Ee, bah gum" and "Ecky Thump" accent, but also has a penchant for dressing like 'The Man From Del Monte' in a series of (rather unflattering) white suits.

("Ecky Thump, Sarborg Warriah")

David Bradley (who's actually a half decent martial artist) proves that you don't need muscles like Schwarzenegger to defeat a 'Tetley Tea-drinking-meglomaniac-scientist' like Kessel..... Because Jack has the ultimate weapon in this movie. Jack has a (once seen, never forgotten) FANNYPACK!

("Tickets please?")

Not just any old common-garden dayglo green 'nylon' fannypack...but a badass black Leather one (which matches his belt, replete with gold medalion trinkets, that rounds off his whole Alannah Miles look to a treat) and what's even worse is:

A) It hangs down, just enough to look like a codpiece.
B) He never takes it off, throughout the movie (i shit thee not!)

Anyhow, back to the plot (or lack of?)
Upon arriving at St. Keith, Jack teams up with nosey (busty, blonde) reporter Cathy, and the two begin a 'love-hate' realationship (leading to the inevitable 'soft-focus-love-scene)

Amidst your yawns, I hear you cry "What about the Cyborgs?"
Let me tell you, Stan Winston and ILM should have called it quits, the day this movie hit the shelves (check out the 'cyborg' designs below)


Kessel has invented a new form of metalic substance (so flexible, it resembles cheapo 'silver-painted' rubber) to adorn his prized creations. These badboys don't need T2 morphing FX, these guys have 'Freddy Kruger' style fingernails, tin-foil headgear and rubber chest-plates.

Meanwhile, after various scrapes in the Caribbean (a'la ROMANCING THE STONE) the scene is set for an all out war between Jack and his Cyborg brother (will Phillip shun his Cyborg programming, team up with Jack, kill Kessel and fight off another super human Cyborg assassin, only to die, saving his brother, leaving the fannypacked crusader to decapitate the Cyborg assassin with a motorbike?.........Well, that would be telling!)

CYBORG COP is a masterpiece of trash movie-making. It's a shame it bypassed cinemas*, because when watched with a bunch of friends (if only?) the film is a hoot (and alcohol only makes it funnier.) From Bradleys histronic performance (and hair) Rhys Davies' camp-Brian Glover impersonation, and the ropey looking rubber/metal cyborgs.......this movie has it all (and even spawned a sequel, which i'll get round to reviewing in the near future)

Movie Highlights

01:37 (Psychopathic hostage taker "I want my mommmy...or I'll blow her fucking head off!")

25:24 (Jack - "You sonaffabitch!")

26:36 (Jacks hilarious fight scene with his ex boss, who's cockney accent keeps shining through)

27:57 (Kessel's pointless 'wall-installed-robot-arm' called Michael, that hangs up the phone)

30:00 (Kessels hilarious interogation of Cyborg Cop Phillip)

40:27 (Kessel - "Allow me t'present...The K3 prototype Sarborg Assassin")

42:46 (Kessel looks at rival bosses henchman - "He's a big lad, isn't he?........My word, a big lad!")

44:40 (Kessel seals a $25m deal with - "Right then, how bout a nice cup o'tea?")

56:28 (Rastafarian "Yeah boi, he one gud whyte boi fighter!")

58:24 (Token love-making sequence)

60:21 (Kessel affectionately taps henchman on cheek - "Oooh, i could smack you sometimes" then blows him a kiss)

77:41 (Kessel - "And with all due modesty my dear Captain Callan, I may say that I am the greatest scientist on Earth!!")

85:22 (Kessel - "Phillip...I command you..... kill your brother!")


(*= Not really)
(*= Would be a great double-bill with Castellari's HAMMERHEAD)

Blues take on the Railhawks, contest winner and much more...

Miami FC will play the Carolina Railhawks this Saturday May the 8th at 7:30 pm. It's the 4th game in a row for the Blues at home before they head on the road. This home stretch of the season has been somewhat successful if we point out that the team is one of only two team in the USSF Div 2 that remains unbeaten, however, all games have ended in ties. The last versus in state rival Tampa Bay Rowdies 1-1.
Possible line up:
Patterson, Defenders Lancaster, Rodrgiues, Veris and Gbandi, Midfielders Goldberg, Cameron, Paulo Araujo Jr, Shriver, Forwards Santeliz and Thompson,

Carolina comes off of a tie themselves while visiting the Rochester Rhinos (1-1)
Possible line up:
Platter, Defenders Gilkerson, Schulte, Bobo and Shields. Midfield Rusin, Davidson, Franks and Paladini. Forwards Bundu and Barbara.

Tailgate at Lockhart Stadium starts at 5 pm with many give aways such as Dunkin Donuts giving away 25 FREE Dozens and much more. Musical guest will be local South Florida band A Beautiful Cage. Hear some of their tunes HERE

Burrito's "The Starting 10?" Contest winner is Kyle Kaly! The contest consisted in naming the missing player in the starting 11 team picture at last weeks game (see picture to the right) and the player missing was none other then team Captain Jarryd Goldberg. The reason for Jarryd's absence is not known but you can be sure Burrito will be sniffing for answers!

Our friends over at Simply Futbol brought to our attention the fact that the Footvolley World Cup is being held this weekend at Hollywood Beach. It's a 3 day event and if you are not familiar with it many notable professional soccer players have been know to participate. One we may remember is former Miami FC player Romario. For more information go HERE

As some of you may have read this week; MLS will make an announcement that many believe will mean the inclusion of Montreal as the 19th team in that league. In a recent interview, MLS Commissioner Don Garber mentioned South Florida as the possible location for the final expansion team. Miami Soccer Fan has an interesting piece called Why not Miami? If you haven't read it be sure to check it out as it has numerous quotes from soccer players and celebrities.

THE PATRIOT (1998) Steven Seagal

Forget 'straight to video' release, this actually premiered on SKY MOVIES in the UK, before limping to VHS a year or so later. Despite a healthy budget ($25m) and a solid cast, it's UK terrestrial premier, sent tiny alarm bells in my (then) 26 year old head..........what had gone wrong, why no hype, why no cinema release? Undeterred by this, my nephew and myself (and several cans of 'Electric Soup') headed round my brothers house (why?.......because he had SKY TV....posh bastard!) to watch, what i thought would be a non stop action fest.

How wrong i was.

Granted, the cinematography was awesome, but the 'action' was like an Ethiopian Paraplegic (i.e....'Thin On The Ground')

Seagal was fine (if a bit too stationary for my liking, as i was used to seeing him play cops, etc) but as it creaked to the 60 minute mark....everyone watching it, developed that kind of 'apologetic silence' (a sort of "let's STFU and hope it ends soon?" vibe lingered) The 'Stout Sensei' had given us too much change, too soon, too much plot and too much beauty, for us mere (slightly mortalled) mortals to take.

("Doctor, doctor, i've got terrible migraine")

Seagal plays Dr Wesley McClaren, tending to a small town in Montana. He is respected in this small community, and alternates bewtween healing the townsfolk, recieving pies (don't ask!) and spending time with his young daughter, Holly, on their ranch.
Of course, any Seagal movie needs a bad guy, and this is in the form of a 'militia' group, looking to spread a deadly airbourne virus (a'la OUTBREAK, except that neither Dustin Hoffman or Kevin Spacey could flip a drug-dealing rastafarian through a window, by his broken wrist)
Of course, with the townsfolk dropping like flies, it's up to our intrepid doctor and (expendable sidekick) Frank (played by seasoned veteran L.Q. Jones) to save the day. The Militia (dying themselves....nice plan guys!) kidnapp Holly because of her immunity (why not kidnapp McClaren?.......he's bigger, and in true Seagal bravado, probably houses11 pints of blood, unlike mere '10 pint' mortals) So McClaren (who turns out to be Ex-Cia) must come up with a cure (utilizing 'Indian Medicine') and save his daughter from becoming a 'haemoglobic-Teabag' to the crazed militia group.

("Doctor, doctor, i've got stomach pains")

Seagal (sadly) only flips a few bad guys in this one. But gets extra bonus points for kicking a guy into a snack machine (i guess that's Dr Seagals extreme way of getting patients to cut down on sugar?)

Looking at The Patriot now with older eyes (less hair and a beer-gut) it's a masterpiece. I can take the lack of action (which however small, is galaxies ahead of Seagals later 'stunt-doubled Romanian dub-fests') and appreciate the cinematography, scope and drama of it all (WTF...Seagal and Drama...gasp!)

All in all The Patriot is a slow moving, but involving Seagal movie (with 'Western' elements) free of the preaching that befuddled average action audiences (a'la On Deadly Ground or Fire Down Below)

And at (very) least, it's not that terrible Mel Gibson movie

(Steven Seagal is OUT FOR JUSTICE, Snack Machine is OUT OF ORDER)

Movie Highlights

10:36 (Seagals 'hilarious' gag to his daughter about frank "in the outhouse" after too much Tabasco sauce on his eggs)

44:41 (Seagal finally snaps into action)

69:30 (a montage of Seagal 'acting' anger....throwing some chairs, tables, etc)

76:26 (Stop W(h)ining...ha-ha!)

Steven Seagal - The Stout Sensei

Now 'The Stout Sensei' is about as 'name-calling' as i'm gonna get towards one of the baddest men (on 'Planet Action') So if you're expecting jokes about Seagals Weight, ponytail or jackets...then i suggest you get your (13 year old) ass to the IMDB boards, and join the rest of the restless virgins (who constantly rag on the guy)

What more can you say about Steven Seagal?

What other actor debuts with the title role in a studio movie?

Steven Seagal is the man....Period!

Only Sylvester Stallone and Charles Bronson (R.I.P) can/could sleep sound at night NOT fearing the Aikido Master, Actor, Singer, Writer, Director, Cop, Energy Drink Creator and Buddhist.

Vern (from 'Aint-It-Cool-News') wrote a witty, insightful book for the Seagal fan (SEAGALOGY:THE FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL) in 2008. I remember Vern, from his brief visit to 'unofficial-steven seagal' website many years ago, when I deffended him, from some of Seagals more (hardline, obssessed) fans. He probably won't remember it, but fear not amigo, i knew where you were coming from.

I can only hope to possess an ounce of the genuine praise AND critique, that Vern invests when reviewing the (many, many) movies of Steven Seagal.

Many of the 20+ movies he's made (in the last 7 or so years) have been ropey (and i'll gladly call it as i see it) But thankfuly, Seagal is beyond criticism, in his valliant attempt to keep REAL action movies alive.




Plus, i don't want him reading this, kicking down my door (probably in colourless Romania?) throwing me around, before snapping my arm

Cinema, eh....who needs it? (An Introduction)

Cinemas are usually full of giggling students (laughing at retarded Adam Sandler 'fall-over' movies) or chattery Dorris-types, or annoying kids (that feel the need to laugh, chat AND walk up and down the stairs in the full knowledge, that they're ruining any enjoyment, for an average joe-cinema-goer at the multiplex)

This blog is created to give humble (and badly spelt) praise to the movies (that sadly) bypass a cinema release, usually because, they are cack.......But probably because they're not:
A) A sequel
B) A remake
C) In 3-D
D) A remade sequel in 3-D

But fear not, bored reader....
Not all 'Straight-To-Dvd movies are devoid of big name stars, budgets and quality

But sadly, most of the films i'll be reviewing here ARE Catshit from a Dogs arse!

Uncle Ed's Mother's day preview: Mom meets Ecuador national team

Yesterday I picked my mom up from MIA and boy did she have a great story to tell me. She had flown on the same plane as the Ecuadorian National team which was headed to New York where they will play at a sold out new Meadowlands Stadium on Friday versus Mexico.

My mom is so cool she had a few of the players sign autographs for me and she took pictures with them too.

Here she is with defender and captain of the team Ivan "Bam Bam" Hurtado. A World Cup veteran, Hurtado has played in Mexico, Qatar, Colombia, Spain and currently plays for Ecuadorian champions Deportivo Quito. Hurtado has played for Ecuador more then any player in that country's history (163 times so far).

Ulises de la Cruz is another world cup veteran and is poised to complete his 100th appearance for the Ecuadorian national side. De La Cruz has played for Cruzeiro of Brazil, Hibernian in Scotland, Aston Villa, Reading and Birmingham City in England and currently plays with South American champion LDU Quito. Ulises is also known in Ecuador for his charity work and has been named a UNICEF ambassador.
Jaime Ivan Kaviedes is perhaps the most traveled player in Ecuadorian history. Having played for almost every major league in the world and scoring in a world cup. In 1998 Ivan was the highest scorer in the world with 43 goals in one season for Emelec in the Ecuadorian league. In 1999 he moved on to Italy with Perugia, then Spain with Celta de Vigo, Mexico with Puebla then back to Spain with Real Valladolid. Portugal with Porto, Crystal Palace in England, Argentinos Juniors of Argentina and more. Currently with Macara in Ecuador he is rumored to be headed to MLS in July.My mom rocks!