CYBER TRACKER (1994) Don 'The Dragon' Wilson

PM ENTERTAINMENT (Richard Pepin & Joseph Merhi) are responsible for some of the best low-budget movies out there. These guys are savvy enough, to know that it's not always about De nIro-like performances, coupled with Mamet-esque dialogue. PM give you non-stop, rough and ready action, and in 1994 at their height of power, they knocked out a b-movie classic, with more than a passing nod to The Terminator and Robocop (and Pepin directed it also)

(Don 'The Dragon' Wilson in action)

Don 'The Dragon' Wilson stars as Eric Phillips(1) a secret service agent(2) protecting Senator Dilly, who's attempting to pass a law, allowing unstoppable(3) Cyborg policemen to assume responsibility from the regular human variety. A anti-Cyborg fraction, The UHR (United Human Rights) attempt to stop this law (and resorting to terrorism to do such) which makes Phillips job more dangerous with every new attack. Dilly's second in command, Ross, doesn't like Phillips, and the two trade insults, and 'thousand yard stares' aplenty, until Phillips turns against his employers, after they cold-bloodedly murder a UHR member. Framed for the murder, Phillips finds himself on the run from the merciless Cyber-tracker policemen, who'll let nothing or no-one stand in their way.

CYBER TRACKER has similar elements to CYBORG COP, but seems a little less goofy. As usual PM start proceedings with a car chase/explosion, and continue throughout, til the 90 minute mark) Wheras CYBORG COP, did contain a few more lulls (but is genuienelly funnier and lighthearted, throughout)
Don 'The Dragon' Wilson(4) (never understood why his 'nickname' made it on the actual credit roll?) gives one of his better performances here (in what was his 13th film, in a 5 year period) and despite the 'hokey' dialogue, and hand-me-down plot, he (and the rest of the cast) keep a straight face, and deliver a solid action flick. Oh, did i mention that Richard Norton plays second in command, Ross (and let's face it, Richard Norton is much better value for money, than the terminaly boring and highly overrated Edward Norton, any day) so you just know he and Wilson are gonna 'trade punches' before this movies finished (to be fair, with a good guy/bad guy combo like this, the cyborgs come a pale third, in the packing order of excitement)

Anyhow, enough of the niceties, let's get to the 'ropey' elements (the sort that make you spit your cheap cider out, upon initial viewing) CYBER TRACKER may aspire to be Terminator-esque. But doesn't have the budget...resulting in some rather tacky FX, and garbled logic (befitting of a STV release)

The Cyborgs

These 'Trackers' are 'Right-Said Fred' lookalikes, who have morphing qualities that defy logic (let alone, rational sense). For instance, they can produce a (badly morphed CGI) 'police badge' from the palm of their hand, before arresting someone...But (and this is the real pisser) they can produce a side-arm from their legs. Sounds cool doesn't it? (so far, so Robocop) but whereas Peter Weller had a nifty opening and shutting leg compartment to administor his weapon, the Trackers have to tear away a strip of their black 501's to produce a gun which morphs out of the leg itself. A good job these Cyborgs are indistructable, otherwise they'd catch a cold, with all these torn trousers and exposed thighs?

(WTF! part I)

(WTF! part II)

As for the Cyborg FX, whenever things threaten to get technical (and animatronic, hence: expensive) the Cyborgs have a self healing 'green-ready-brek' glow that emits from there hands, that flattens out any busted circuits (reducing them to 'stuck on, tin-foil attachments)


You won't need to be Russell Grant(5) to figure that somewhere in this movies plot, Wilson is a hard-drinking divorcee. But this movie has one original idea up it's sleeve, in that Wilson has an A.I computer system (named AGNES) in his appartment (replete with asinine 'shelly Long-style accent) Don likes nothing more than after a hard days 'killing terrorists', to kick up his feet, open some booze, and indulge in the sadomasocistic self-recrimination of watching (and re-watching) the fateful day his wife left him (on CCTV) and even getting 'AGNES' drunk(?)

And it's during the 'drunk' computer scene, that CYBER TRACKER has one unique scene (admist the car flips and explosions) that's quite touching (yep, I said it!) Phillips causes AGNES to be drunk by keying in a 50% 'perception loss' (when he promised only a 5% loss) to her memory bank.

(A genuinelly 'Touching Scene' from Cyber Tracker)

Agnes "Eric, i said five percent, this is too much (slurs) What was i going to say?"
Phillips "You love me"
Agnes (in completely gargled computer-speak) "I loovee youu Erricc"

Phillips smiles, but averts his attention from his artifical computer-love, long enough to notice a picture of his ex-wife. His smile turns sour in his realisation.

It truly is a great scene, lost in a sea of Car-flipping, and morphing cyborgs.

Oh yes, and whilst the cliché-meter is running, let's not forget that, whilst on the run, phillips joins up with the UHR (who turn out to be ok, if a little inexperienced) but of course, the leader is a statuesque blonde, who takes a shining to 'The Dragon' (as per usual)

(DON Juan)

Anyhow, to cut a long story short......THE END (only joking!) But the Trackers (despite being billed as indestructable', are anything but) three of the buggers are sent out to kill Phillips (can you guess who wins in the end?) and thankfuly the fight between Phillips and Ross is pretty good showcase of why you hire Norton for an action flick (take note ROADHOUSE 2, i'm talking to you!!)

('Housewifes favourite' Richard Norton)

All in all, CYBER TRACKER does what it says on the tin (or be it, 'tin-foil' with this budget) It's no TERMINATOR, but miles better than the morose po-faced TERMINATOR SALVATION (a movie with a catering budget, bigger than the combined budgets and revenues of Don 'The Dragon' Wilsons entire career)
And to quote Admiral Bates: "You'd think we'd learn something from that?"


Movie Highlights

04:09 (The Tracker, comes across a huge oversized model of a robot, in a nightclub he's just shot the shit out of. Upon scanning the model, with his Terminator-style on screen graphics, his memory banks try to identify the model and comes up with names of former 'screen' robots, like 'GORT' or 'T1000'' and 'THX1138' in it's fruitless search)

04:50 (A car explodes)

12:23 (A helicopter explodes)

13:30 (A van flips in mid air....................before exploding)

16:55 (Ross - "Phillips is nothing more than an impulsive, hot-headed ametuer")

18:32 (Phillips gets his home computer drunk)

22.37 (Awesome sleep device, that would also be beneficial to rapists)

25:55 (Don kicks mucho ass)

28:56 (And then proceeds to kick some more)

30:45 (A police car explodes)

31:41 (Send in a 'Tracker')

32:47 (Don stops everything, for a hot-dog)

36:52 (A fire engine explodes, in a rare automotive case of "Physician Heal Thyself")

45:20 (Send in another 'Tracker')

60:03 (Send in 'Richard Norton')

69:34 (Richard Norton captures Don 'The Dragon Wilson', in a record 9:30 mins)

72:56 (Phillips removes his shirt)

74:24 (Ross Vs Phillips)

78:15 (Another 'Tracker')

80:42 (A cyber-Tracker AND a car....explode)

(A car flips, in a rare-one off scene from Cyber Tracker)

(1 = not an overtly 'tough-guy' name like Frank Shatter for example?)

(2 = But, in true Weng-Weng style, announces his confidential status, to all and sundry)

(3 = Anything but)

(4 = Who is not John Cho from the 'Harold & Kumar' movies, either)

(5 = Rotund, Camp TV asstrologer, readily available when Christopher Biggins is 'elsewhere')

SHOTGUN (1989) Stuart Chapin

Ian 'Shotgun' Jones & Max Billings are two of LA's toughest cops (although Ian is slightly tougher, hence the nickname) These cops casually spend their nightshifts chatting to prostitutes (hell, Ian's sister IS a prostitute) and can be usually found sat in their patrol car, shooting the shit. Whilst right under their noses, a sadistic lawyer, Fletcher Rivington (who's a dead ringer for Simon Le Bon) is using his friend, Rocker (no, i'm not making these names up) to lure prostitutes to seedy motels (actually, the same motel is used throughout the movie) and then perform a switch-a-roo, so that Rivington (dressed up in full bondage gear) can sadisticly beat them up (in fact the first victim, Rhonda, doesn't seem to mind, just as long as she's paid accordingly.)

Things get personal, however when Ians sister is murdered by the perverted lawyer, and Ian is not going to let his suspension for beating up an Internal Affairs investigator, nor his newfound job as a 'Bounty Hunter' (or 'Skip Tracer', as they like to be called nowadays) or Max's attempted murder, get in the way of 'Deadly-Justice'. So Jones tracks down his old army buddy, makes an armoured car, and heads down to Mexico, to find Rivington, and bring the 'Ruckas to all y'all muthaphuckaz'


SHOTGUN is without a doubt, one of the most laugh-out loud movies ever made. The dialogue is ripe, the acting is resistible and the camerawork attrocious, resulting in what looks like out-takes from a porno flick. PM Entertainment (who went on to do bigger, but not alltogether 'better' pictures) have spared every expense, and it actually works in their favour. For starters, you need only look at the lead actor:

(Ian 'Shotgun' Jones)

Stuart Chapin looks like a cross bewtween Graham Chapman in 'Yellowbeard' and Mike Lackey (from 'Street Trash') than a tough guy (let alone, any kind of leading man) He tops off the whole 'derelict' look, with 'three-quarter length overcoats', vomitt-inducing jumpers, and 'large brimmed hats'. And Chapins acting range compliments his appearence. Note his (semi-drunken) lament, at his sisters murder:

Jones - "It's not supposed to go down like this (pause) I'm the one that's supposed to end up dead (pause) I'm a cop (pause) You don't kill a cops family (pause) You kill the cop (pause) She was the only blood relative i had (pause) She was a rebel and I was always getting her out of shit (pause) First year on the force, i roughed up a guy who's arrested her (pause) Figured he was too rough (pause) She kicked him in the nuts (sobs) I hated what she did (pause) But i loved who she was (pause) And more than anything else, i just wanted to be proud of her (pause) Sometimes, I'd come home from the shift and she'd make me some food, and i could tell she's been working all night (pause) and they'd always be a fight....... (looks up) Bartender, another!"


Max Billings (black sidekick, and slightly less crazier partner) fares little better in the acting stakes, his 'method' moment comes at 27:34, as he utters the line "OH I NEED A DRINK...OH CHRIST I NEED A DRINK!" (which easily surpasses Ryan O'Neals "Oh Man, Oh God, Oh Man, Oh God, Oh Man, Oh God!" line from TOUGH GUYS DON'T DANCE, as the worst overacting of all time)

(Billings looks on, as Shotgun gives his captain the 'Hershey Squirts')

(Fletcher Rivington, Lawyer, Pervert, Kinko and Basher and lead singer with Duran Duran)

The character of Fletcher Rivington is (however) a classic. Apart from looking like Simon LeBon, he also has a camp British accent (rounded off with a lisp) and his drawn out hokey "I'm rich, the law can't stop me" dialogue is a must for lovers of B-movies everwhere. James Cameron should spend $400m of his own money, and build a franchise around this character (he's that good)

Other secondary characters (who am I kidding, the primary characters rarely rise above secondary status, in this movie) are also a laughable hodge-podge of hoary old clichés, starting with a bizarre (one-off) cameo of a guy (with little else in life, but an amazing beard) sat in a bar 'droppin-a-dime' on Rivington (or 'The Basher' as he's affectionately known)
Referred to, only as Dooley, this pudgy Kenny Rodgers wannabe, gives our two heroes the most useless information ever, about a prostitute who'd been bashed by 'The Kinko'

Dooley -
"You know Rhonda may be a hooker, but nobody deserves treatment like that....nobody......You nail that son of a bitch!"


Then there's Jones 'Skip Tracer' boss, Barbara Devlin (a slutty 80's 'Dynasty-wannabe' blonde who, like most women in this movie, are all over Shotgun like flies on shit.) After Shotgun completes the most informal (not to mention quickest) job interview ever, there are hints at a possible relationship between Shotgun and his boss. Sadly, nothing comes from it, but we can all enjoy the incendiary passion that emits from the screen (so hot, it threatens to burn it's viewers bedsit down!) in the few scenes they're together.

And not forgetting, sex boutique owner (and leather waistcoat wearing, crooked-teeth having, 'child pornographer') Joey. His lovable antics and cheery demeanor, add a lighter dimension to paedophillia (that you just don't get in George Clooney movies) He (like Dooley) is completely useless in the old 'Information' department. But Joey does however get TWO scenes in this movie*
(so three cheers for 'purveyours of the prepubescent')


At the climax, Shotgun runs off to the desert, and finds his old survivalist pal Sam (who you wouldn't expect to favour 'sandy' surroundings, as he looks more like a 'Village Person'.....if you get my drift?) and the two guys build an armoured veichle to take on Rivingtons mexican army. And after mucho catering for the boys (with it's non-stop action, acting and large brimmed hats) the movie decides to give the 'Female' viewers something back (for their enduring patience) in the form of a montage of Shotgun and Sam drilling, welding and (basically) sweating into their grubby vests. Short of gyrating their hips, this sequence is everthing a hot-blooded woman should need. Below is Sam (looking like a reject from Frankie Goes To Hollywood...if such a standard exists?)

And now it's Shotguns turn, to get in on the act, in this 'teasing' montage (for the 'Lady' folk)

(Shotgun has a brain for business...and a Bod for sin!)

And yet, despite the movies many (many) shortcomings, it's one of the most consistantly entertaining (unintentionally funny) movies ever.
It will rape your senses.

Oh yeah, and the faux-heavy metal signiture tune for this movie is (Benny) Hill(arious) Here's the lyrics, music lovers:

"Nothing is sacred from those with power"
"Destroying the lives of those they devour"
"They throw their hands up overlooking the law"
"As if they exist without a flaw"

(Chorus)
"You never burn out from being busted"
"Cause the shotgun of jones....Is deadly justice"
"Shot...Gun.....Shotgun........Jones!"

Movie Highlights


Too numerous to mention, although the chase sequence at 68:49 (Between Shotgun and Rocker) is a doozy (with Stuart Chapin exhibiting all the athletic prowess of a diarrhetic wino)

("How many stars out of ten, guys?")

(*= Although he is murdered in his second scene...so congratulations to 'The Daily Mail')