DIRECT CONTACT (2009) Dolph Lundgren

As much as I enjoyed THE PUNISHER, ARMY OF ONE or MEN OF WAR, I've gotta' be honest here, and say that I've always found Dolph Lundgren to be the 'eternal bridesmaid' of action cinema, and found his recent movies rather dull. Be it my old age (or the fact that he killed 'Apollo Creed') I've found most of his DTV work to be 'lacking'. He sure looks the part and at 53 years young, 6' 5" tall, he certainly looks after himself....but (as with Wesley Snipes) his DTV work is littered with more duds than hits. None of this stops me from watching his movies.....but truth be told, I'm sick to death of reading stuff like "The Russian Specialist is a kick ass movie" (when it clearly isn't) or PR blurb stating "Command Performance rocks" (only to find a dull and plodding Die Hard Wannabe, hidden behind an otherwise great trailer) So it's with indifferent displeasure (?) that i review the latest Lundgren 'masterpiece' to hit UK shelves (despite it being already 2 year old...which is never a good sign) But looking at the DVD case...it seems to have some plus points, it's an 18 Certificate Nu Image movie, featuring Michael Pare......What could go wrong?

(Quite a lot....it seems)



DIRECT ACTION sees Lundgren as lunk-headed (ex-US Special forces) Mike Riggins , residing in an Eastern Europe prison for gun-running. Amidst the many beatings from the wardens, fights with inmates, or the blood drinking Rats, Riggins seems oddly at ease with his predicament. Enter shadowy U.S envoy Clive Connelly (Michael Pare) who offers Riggins a full pardon (plus $200k) to rescue an kidnapped American woman, Ana Gale (Gina May) who is being held by a ruthless criminal, Vlado Karadjov (surely a name worthy of a 90+ score at Scrabble?) Connelly also mentions that anna may be suffering a touch of 'Stockholm Syndrome' and may resist being rescued.

("Ray Liotta was busy filming BEE MOVIE 2")

Riggins gets $20k upfront, a mobile phone and (like any self respecting paroled inmate) heads to the nearest disco/titty bar to arrange a meeting with Karadjov. Of course, as with most Eastern European titty bars...the swarthy types soon betray Riggins, and
he is beaten up (but spared death) by Karadjov and his men. Undeterred, Riggins pays a visit to the local fire-arms seven/eleven...and heads back to Karadjovs base to bring da ruckas to all those muthafuckaz.

(The budget wouldn't stretch to 3D, but Dolph gave it his best shot)

Much fence cutting, bomb planting and knocking out inept guards later...Riggins finally locates Anna...who thanks him for his troubles with a swift kick to the knackers. Our hero punches her in the stomach to keep her from screaming (nice) and despite her protests of "Not being kidnapped", Riggins gets her out of Karadjovs base, much to the displeasure the sadistic General Drago (surely a knowing namesaked 'wink' at Lundgrens most iconic role?)

(EH?)

The chase is on (replete with usual NU-IMAGE second hand action scenes/explosions) Our hero and heroine make it to (brief) safety in a nearby hotel. Riggins phones Connelly (who reveals himself as C.I.A, but little else) and arranges a meeting place for the girl to be handed over and the cash to be exchanged. Riggins smells a rat, attends the meeting alone...and tells Connelly to eat the bird, before buggering off (on another chase sequence.....this time on a motorbike!) leading to more recycled action scenes.

(Dolph was on page 6 of 'The Fatty Arbuckle-sexual Etiquette manual')

Returning to the hotel, Riggins finds that Anna has escaped, but tracks her down to a train station. They both board the train (cue footage from Van Damme's 'Derailed') but Drago's men are there to (badly) shoot the shit out of innocent bystanders, in their quest to miss Riggins with every single bullet they fire. With several thousand rounds of ammo easily dodged, Riggins and Anna leave the train at the next station (which rather inexplicably seems built directly to a sewer filled with homeless people...but wide enough to accommodate a military hummer vehicle)

("No way did Streets Of Fire outperform Masters Of The Universe?")

Evading the army once again, our heroes steal a taxi, leading to a further chase scene (some ropey back projection and further sequences from 'Derailed' ) Fleeing their captors again (god this is getting repetitive) Riggins and Anna head to a nearby cafe. A news story on the TV indicates that Anna is in fact the daughter of (recently deceased) billionaire oil and Shipping magnate Allister Roberts. Now the picture is looking a little clearer about the real motives behind Conellys offer.

(Mmmmm, I wonder who gets shot....The Hero or the The Waiter?)

Anna tends to a graze on riggins stomach (fuck me...a bullet actually got within a yard of Dolph!) and the pair go to meet Karadjov (who it turns out IS a good guy) at a nearby football stadium. Unfortunately, General Drago and his army arrive on the scene...leading to another shoot-out (yawn) and the demise of Karadjov. Connelly arrives in a helicopter and (amazingly) keeps his end of the deal with Riggins (by giving him the money, as promised) in exchange for the girl. Anna (suitably pissed) berates our hero for selling out, but off he drives...leaving the heiress at the mercy of Drago and Connelly.



It turns out that Anna's naughty Uncle Trent is behind the whole shenanigans, and wants her to sign the rights of the company over to him. Connelly treats Anna to a bit of the 'Ike Turner First Date Workout', but (wahey!).....Riggins returns, armed with guns and rifles (plus the worst hand grenade explosions since For Your Height Only) leading to more chase footage (from Out For A Kill) to enliven proceedings (i mean WTF, we haven't had a shootout in the last 2 minutes)

(And the soldiers still fucking miss)

Outrunning the badguys again (for a fucking change!) Riggins figures out that the mobile phone Connelly gave him, is a tracking device (no shit sherlock!) Seeking shelter in a nearby woodshed, Riggins and anna finally get down to (an awkward looking scene of) Rumpy-pumpy. The next morning we see Riggins getting all McGuyver-like on his getaway vehicle (actually we see him lift a small panel of pig-iron...hardly an A-Team montage) This is inter-cut with General Drago and his army shooting the living shit out a group of villagers in his search for our heroes. Heading for the gates of the nearest American Embassy, our heroes are shot at by their own side (Realism at last!) So whats a former ex-US Special forces/gun runner/jailbird/mercenary/suspected terrorist to do...he simply drive into the building NEXT FUCKING DOOR to the embassy for a showdown with Drago/Connelly and various inept soldiers. Although Connellys demise is quite an 'explosive' scene (hint, hint) The movie still ends on a shit-eating grin fest, as Riggins looks at Anna and utters "God Bless America" ("Try lensing a movie there, every now and then Dolph" I say)

(Too hot for cinema)

DIRECT CONTACT is 20 years too late for an action movie (in terms of acting, plot and production values) and rather plodding (despite it's many action scenes) even for a low budget DTV release. Releasing stuff like this after THE EXPENDABLES, won't do Lundgren (and his career) any favours. Any moments of cheesy charm is few and far between (although I chuckled a little at Lundgren spitting up blood in his cell, only for a passing rat to gobble it up) And given the extensive BU-IMAGE back catalogue, they could have recycled much better action scenes (those OPERATION DELTA FORCE movies are also 'pilfered' throughout) Dolph still aquits himself well in the fight scenes, but they're nothing to write home about. Gina May comes across as a second rate Megan Fox (if such an entity exists?) and only Michael Pare walks away from this without any damage (and probably another Uwe Boll movie to make, that very weekend)

(Insert haemorrhoid gag here:)

If my review sounds dire and repetitive...it's because the movie is (oh, yeah, and because I'm a lousy reviewer as well) But the almost non-stop action and messy squib-work, doesn't change my opinion on Dolph Lundgren as a genuine action star...neither is DIRECT CONTACT jaw-droppingly bad enough to warrant a 'So-bad-it's-good' quality. It just sits there for 80 odd minutes, then finishes (like a fairweather friend, you've foolishly invited to your house) Although hardcore Lundgren buffs will probably find plenty to enjoy, nontheless. But given that i watched this movie as a double bill (alongside 'Los nuevos extraterrestres') and found DIRECT CONTACT to be the duller of the two...really says it all.

Then again, it might just be me...I can't stand Michael Dudikoff either?

(Although I didn't hate it, as much as this guy?)

GAME OF DEATH (2010) Wesley Snipes

This is the first 'Wesley Snipes' movie I've reviewed here. To be honest, I've not been impressed with his previous DTV outings (although i did enjoy the 'off-beat' HARD LUCK...which most people seem to dislike?) So it's with brave trepidation that I dived head-on into his latest release GAME OF DEATH. The title alone is enough to make any self-respecting Bruce Lee fan piss-shit out their a-holes.....But it would be interesting to see if Snipes could invest a bit more time and effort on this project, with jail looming over his head (plus i picked it up 'new' for 99p)

Snipes plays 'Agent Marcus' a tough as nails CIA operative, who (together with his elite team) does the 'dirty-work' for the government, by eliminating those undesirable kingpins/drug barons/gun-runners/czars (blah, blah, blah...Kneecap Hill) Marcus' team includes Zander (Gary Daniels) and Flora (Zoe Bell) and the movie opens with the team taking out an arms dealer in New York. But for all his ruthless efficiency, Marcus seems 'Burnt-Out' (tm) and in need of 'Redemption' (tm)

("Are they taxes in heaven, father?")

We cut to Detroit, and see Marcus hiding out in a car, watching a kindly neighbourhood Reverend, Clarence (Ernie Hudson) playing basketball with the local kids. Marcus follows the Rev to his church, and offers him a cool million dollars, if he'll sit and listen to his confession. Clarence admits that the neighbourhood could do with the money, and lends a sympathetic ear to Marcus' problems.

("Your place or mine?")

Snipes goes into flashback mode, and we see him being congratulated for the earlier New York 'hit' and given new instructions for the next job. It seems the CIA want Marcus to infiltrate the world of 'finance-dealer/Gun-Runner' Frank Smith (Robert Davi) which will lead up the corporate ladder to 'backer' Redvale Industries. Upon earning their trust, he is ordered to terminate both parties (forewarned with the usual CIA failure/unaccountability bullshit)

(Deplorable Flora & Zander meander)

Marcus briefs both Zander and Flora on the details, and (six months later) he is soon in the employment and confidence of Smith. During a flight, Marcus realises that despite the many scare stories....Smith may not be the "Mean Bastard" the CIA have painted him to be. Marcus escorts Smith to a meeting/payoff ($100m) with Redvale. But greed has gotten the better of both Zander and Flora who (sick of playing second fiddle) decide to doublecross Marcus and bag the money for themselves.

("Must be weird not having anyone come on ya'?")

Matters are made worse when Smith has a heart attack in the back of the limo, and Marcus rushes him to the hospital (strange, given his objective?) whilst dodging gunfire from Zander and Co, who want him alive and well for his payday with Redvale. Marcus has his guns confiscated by hospital security...But Zander and his goons are fully armed, and ready to kill anyone that gets in their way.....Let the 'Game' begin.


Marcus rumbles the double cross and takes out several of Zanders henchmen (in probably the movies standout fight, a brutally efficient 'Seagal-like' snap fest in a psychiatric ward, replete with 'off-key' piano playing and screams from it's frightened patients...reminiscent of the 'Crazy Village' segment from GYMKATA) Flora chases Marcus all around the hospital (probably the most deserted 'institution' since HALLOWEEN II) offering up "Join Us" (tm) remarks, whilst at the same time, trying to shoot the shit out of him.

(Davi pondered his stay at he 'Bond-Villain-Retirement-Home')

Zander finds Smith, and forces the head nurse, Rachael to keep him alive (by fair means or foul) long enough to complete his meeting with Redwood. Rachael (under Zanders threat of "You either give him a shot...or take one yourself") explains that the cardiac catheterization procedure will take 30 minutes, before Smith can be moved (allowing more time for Marcus to fuck up more henchmen in the meantime)

(Wesley and his cell-mate)

And fuck-them-up he does, but after another round of shoot-outs, Flora gets the upper-hand and captures him. Zander gives Marcus the old "We could have been great together" bullshit, and despite having the opportunity to kill him....doesn't! (which ruins a lot of well built-up credibility, at this point) instead Zander decides to frame Marcus for all the hospital carnage, leading the CIA on a wild goose chase....whilst giving himself time to get Smith to his payday with Redvale.

("Are those Argyle socks?")

Redvale (replete with 'goombah' mafioso demeanor) smells a rat at Smiths new concerned chaperone's, but is soon outgunned, and forced to proceed to the vault, for the $100m. However a framed and furious Marcus steals an ambulance and heads over to Redvales for a final showdown with Zander and Co. Rachael gets caught in a 'Mexican Standoff'.....Smith takes a stand...and Revdale takes a knife in the back. Marcus ploughs through the remaining bad guys, before chasing Zander up to the rooftop for a tasty rumble...which barely leaves the badguy a leg to stand on (literally)

("Where's Woody Harrelson when I need him?")

With the 'Game' over (but our hero still wanted by the CIA) we then flash forward back to the church, where father Clarence implores Marcus to "Have faith" before launching into a (well-needed) Lords Prayer (Amen to that...you fucking atheists!) Marcus leaves the money with the padre, and returns to watch the neighbourhood kids play basketball as therapy for his 'redemption' (and probably for Snipes to reflect on his prison-less 'Box-Office' days of WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP)



GAME OF DEATH is a pretty kick-ass movie (and I think my low expectations only helped matters) The cast is good (about time someone had a bit of faith in Daniels) and it's great to see Robert Davi again. I don't know if Snipes' IRS troubles plagued him during filming, but it added to his performance of a troubled, haunted man. And the fight scenes were brutal (and as mentioned, 'vintage-Seagal-Like') and despite my preference towards the psychiatric ward rumble...the final scrap between Daniels and Snipes didn't disappoint either.


The negatives being the (almost) non-stop 'avid fart'/black and white filters/overlays/slo-mo/speed-up techniques that pepper the first half (but thankfully wane off at the 40 minute mark) And Zanders plan/motives were also full of confusing plot holes:

A) Why did he open fire on a guy he (ultimately) had to keep alive?
B) Why not wait utill Smith had the money, before attempting the sting?
C) Why not kill Marcus when he had a clear chance?


Plot holes aside, the movie has enough plus points to outweigh the negative aspects. The 12 minute 'Making-Of' also highlights the fact that (cash-struck) Detroit has great 'Tax Incentives' for film-makers (wow.... an action movie that Michael Moore could be proud of?) and it's basic one (or two) main settings adds to the claustrophobic tension, that most Wesley Snipes films lack. Plus his IRS problems prevented the star from leaving the country, meaning this movie was NOT filmed in Romania.


Final thoughts: If you watch only one GAME OF DEATH, make it the 1978 Bruce Lee (cut-and-paste-ploitation) classic (which is still light years ahead of any 'homage' from any 'lantern-jawed hack director') However, if you want a brutal, good looking action thriller (despite early headache inducing avid farts) with a above average DTV cast....Wesley Snipes finally delivers the goods. I'm now looking to acquire the movie on Blu-Ray (if that's any kind of recommendation?) despite having 50+ discs and still not owning a player

(The 'Money-Shot' of the movie)

STREET WARS (2011) Steven Seagal

More tepid 'Seagalism', as the (yet-to-be-broadcast) series TRUE JUSTICE, spawns another deceitful 2 episode mix-up, masquerading as a feature film. DEADLY JUSTICE was the plodding first entry in the adventures of Seattle sheriff Elijah Kane and his crack (addict) team of awe-struck cops....is STREET WARS (effectively episodes 3 and 4) any better?

Picture opens at a rave club. Pretty young things are 'shaking their meat to the disco beat' as a shifty looking drug dealer, Tom, is selling 'ecstasy pills' to a young dancers (oooh, how topical!) Despite it being clearly night-time, we bizarrely cross-cut back and forth with Kane and his crew, chasing some 'free-running' criminals, who are jumping around like the mad monkey fighter from OUT FOR A KILL.....in broad daylight!

("Snap you bastard!")

Of course, we all know that Kane's younger (fitter) colleagues haven't a chance of nailing this 'parkour-perp', so the monkey man has the decency to run past the stout sensei (saving him any kind of chase scene) whilst his (ever humbled) colleagues gush about how 'difficult' it was to catch him (again, stroking Seagals omnipotent ego)

(The only able-bodied guy to ever give Seagal an order)

Back to the rave club, the inane music, pointless slow-mo's and avid farts continue...the girl takes the pills and drops dead on the dancefloor (amidst unaffected party goers) On the other side of town, Sheriff Graves demands that Kane 'babysit' the mayors son Gates, (fuck me, Seagal actually having a higher power!) Gate's reckons himself as a ladies man (sorry Homes, only room for one 'pipe-layer' on this show)



The next day, we see Tom's father (a dead ringer for Montell Williams) stand off to some low-life mafioso wannabes in the middle of the street. As the convo gets heated, passers by take notice of these hoodrats (one even films them trying to accost 'montell' on his mobile phone, and is shot for his troubles) The hoods take Montell and flee the scene.

(At which point would you stop filming a guy coming at you with a gun?)

More soap opera histrionics ensue, as it transpires that Kanes right-hand man Andre Mason, has septicemia (requiring an inhaler......I guess given the skepticism the inhaler recieves, implies that only 'physical perfection' can reach the high benchmark that Kane sets himself and his team? On top of all this, Masons wife is also pregnant, plus her constant bitching of "Kane and the job consume every part of you" prompts her to leave the (lazy-eyed) defective detective.

(The 'BLAZING SADDLES' remake was coming along nicely)

Gates is scoring 'zero-play' with (one-time rookie) cop Sarah, who spurns his corny advances (like i said, only co-writer Seagal, gets the trim around here ) Kane and his team, find and arrest Tom at a rave. They question him about his supplies, and clue him in on the many subsequent deaths they have caused. Kane even asks "Where Yo Daddy?" to the bemused drug-dealer

(Typical sheriffs office....Swords, Guitars, blondes)

Turns out the sinister mafioso types all work for bigwig who's (Einstein-like) masterplan is to flood the existing dealers with his lethal supply, so he can step in with his 'good' drugs (wtf?) More drug related deaths follow. Gates goes behind the Kanes back, and cut side deals with a female DEA agent Stephanie, to get vital 'intel' on the case. Not long afterwards, Gates is ran over, and hospitalised during a shootout. Kane suspects that there's a 'Rat' in the force?

("This time...he's bringing out the big guns")

An incarcerated Tom tells kane the whereabouts of the bad guys drug factory, and Kane (with his superhuman cunning) deduces (correctly) that this is where Toms father is being held. Our elite team are soon there, shooting the shit out of various bad guys, and even Kane gets to thrown down some aikido on a few of the criminals. Toms dad is rescued, and all the bumbling bad guys (who don't come quietly) are blasted to piss.

(The 'Boss-With-No-Name' )

It's at this point, if you're still awake (or sober) you may notice the (more than obvious) shift between the two episodes. At this point we are introduced to the 'Head Honcho' behind the fatal drugs. I don't think they give him a name (but the henchmen call him "Boss" a lot) and to be honest, I'm in no mood to watch this fucker anytime soon, just to find his name. All I'll say is this:

1) He looks like the result of a 'ménage à trois' between Ed Lauter, Randy Quaid and Terry O'Quinn

2) He is introduced, sat in his limousine watching a (brief) snippet of 'A DANGEROUS MAN' on his television

("Yes your honour, he accidentally broke both his arms before killing himself")

Anyhow, turns out Kane left one survivor of the drugs raid (well, this is tv after all) and he's been shipped to prison. The 'Boss-With-No-Name' orders the survivor to be 'shanked', and Kane arrives, just as the hitman has dropped the blade. Despite being caught red-handed, he (wisely) pleads "I have no beef with you" to a disinterested Kane, who glibly retorts "You will, when you get done with this beating man" before kicking the living fuck out of him and promptly slashing his throat (True Justice indeed) A few more scenes like this, wouldn't have gone amiss.

After a hard day, killing and maiming, Sheriff Kane likes nothing better than sitting in his office, playing guitar (instead of trying to catch criminals) and seems oddly annoyed at having 'police work' interrupt his 'slowhand'

(Eric Clapped-out)

DEA agent Stephanie is found shot to shit. Kane smells a rat (or is it the script?) and has a private meeting with her boss (DEA big cheese) Jack, warning him about the 'rat'they agree to share 'intel' on the case, starting with access to Stephanies computer files. Back at the police station, a (camp as tents) film-maker Seban (Bryon Mann, underused as usual, but having fun for a change) is making a movie about inner city crime, and has it on approval by the Mayor, that Kane let himself and cameraman tag along (given the hospitalisation of his nephew, I'd say this Mayor was a fucking idiot?)

(Oh Mann)

Whilst out filming, Mason, Sebon and the film-crew are soon kidnapped by thugs and taken to an abandoned warehouse (tm) and set as bait for Kane and Co,. The goons boobytrap the building with explosives. Will Kane detect the tripwires (is Russell Brand deeply unfunny?) A shootout follows with the younger bucks, whilst Kane (replete with epileptic editting) chops his way through the few remaining bad-guys (accompanied by a thumping 'Nu-Metal' score) After fucking up (rather easily) the only bad guy who had a chance of fighting back, Sensei Kane remarks "It's a shame you couldn't fight better man, I'da love to kill yo ass!" Sarah gets an eleventh hour phone call from Gates, which is a vital clue to the identity of the 'rat' in the force.

("Steady on fucko!")

Putting two-and-two-together, Kane arrests DEA boss Jack for being the mole (and for Stephanie's murder) and soon everyone is at the hospital bedside of Gates, making shit-eating grins. Gates it appears has cut the mustard as a cop, resulting in the following (and quite frankly...expected) final ego-stroke for the Stout Sensei:

Kane "I got somebody I gotta see, so I gotta hurry"

Gates "Figures.......Who is it this week?"

Enter a glamorous woman (at least 35 years younger than her date) walk in, plant a kiss on our hero.

Kane "What, this one?.......This womans stalking me.......She's stalking me"

(Women want him...Men wanna' be him)

STREET WARS has a few fight scenes here and there, but (sadly) it's obvious why this hasn't been syndicated yet (quite frankly, it's even duller than it's predecessor) Once again editing two plodding episodes together, doesn't make it any more exciting (or coherent) In a David Lynchian stroke, one scene jumps forward (quote) "THREE DAYS LATER" just to accommodate a plot contrivance, only to be followed (a minute later) with "BACK TO PRESENT"....Maybe Tarantino can fool the masses with shit like this, but it's a huge 'fuck you' to it's audience, that makes me angry for buying this fucking release in the first place.

(At least someone's getting a kick out of Street Wars?)

Seagal seems bored (and all this 'nice' stuff is making me yearn for him to utter "Chickenshit-Fucking-Pussy-Asshole" once in a while) The few fight scenes are filmed and edited by Michael J fox (on ritalin) with nary a trademark 'Aikido-move' amongst them. A few minor (trademark) ego strokes and moments of 'What-The-Fuck-Ness' hardly justifies a lethargic 90 minute snooze-fest. I tell you, if this wasn't Seagal up on the screen, i'd be out on the streets, fucking up all and sundry, demanding my money back.


For Seagal completists, and movie perverts (like myself) only!

SHARK IN VENICE (2007) Stephen Baldwin

Rounding off my (slightly disappointing) SHARK WEEK, I regret not being able to locate my missing SHARK ATTACK 3 disc (to complete the trilogy) Rest assured, when I find it, I'll stick up a review. Here's the next best thing, in terms of cheesy NU IMAGE shark action...

Stephen Baldwin is a funny kind of guy. The one time Hollywood golden Boy/Hellraiser.....turned reformed God loving maestro of all things B-movie. Like him or loathe him, he's usually earns his wage, regardless of the material at hand. Judging by his performance in SHARK IN VENICE, I'm guessing he was paid about $26?

(Nah...too easy)

We open in Venice (filmed on a back lot in Bulgaria, actually) as two underwater divers search the waters for the lost 'Medici Treasure'. Their every move is being watched on a computer screen by Mafioso boss Vito Clemenza, shouting out the orders behind a bad pair of shades (and looking like a cross between a stunted 'Al Lettieri' and Cat Stevens, circa 1971) His over the top 'Shaduppayaface' accent is the icing on the cake. Before the two divers can unearth the treasure, they receive fatal invitations to a great White Sharks 'wordhole' (leaving out the back doors, as sharkshit) as a screaming Clemenza shouts more profanities at his other goons.

("It's great to here at the Copacabana, folks!")

Cut to the Oceanographic Institute, San Francisco, where we witness Dr David Franks (Stephen Baldwin) giving the most monosymbolic lecture ever to some ('Dangerous Minds' cast reject) students about the perils of diving in Shark infested waters (no shit Sherlock) David is called out of class by the 'Dean', who informs our portly hero (dressed more like an extra from Kid Creole And The Coconuts, than a lecturer) that his father has gone missing in Venice, but that remains of some divers have been found in nearby waters that require identification. David, together with girlfriend Laura, drop everything (including 'acting lessons') and head to the "City of Water" to check it out.

(A suitably intense and enthused Stephen Baldwin)

Once in Venice, our hero and heroine are met by Venetian Police Lt. Sofia Totti, a hardnosed straight-taking (improbably glamorous blonde) Cop, who takes them to the morgue to identify the remains. With all the pent-up aggression of a recent coma patient (the already bored looking) David announces that these are "Not Propeller accidents...but Shark Attacks" but regardless of his highly improbable findings, neither of the chewed up cadavers are his father anyhow. So David seeks permission from Police Captain Bonasera, to search the waters were the other two hapless corpses were found.

(Shoes fixed whilst you wait)

Returning to his fathers hotel room, David finds it ransacked, but remembering that his father liked to hide stuff outback, finds a suitcase chained to the outside window in a (presumably) waterproof suitcase. Inside said case, is a diary,with details pertaining to the Medici Knights (that resilts in a much more exciting clip than this movie) as we witness medevil knights slaughtering throughout the crusades (circa 1271 AD) before burying the loot under the city of Venice (and then killing those that buried it...not the cleverest idea, to be honest)

(After a while, Moses threw his old business-cards in the lake)

With all the get-up-and-go of a third world crack addict (and a similar vacant disposition) David boards a boat, and together with colleague Peitro, go for an afternoon dive through the floating city. At this point, all reality goes walkabout, as it transpires that despite wearing nothing more than standard breathing apparatus, both divers can communicate to each other (and also to Laura and Sofia on the boat above) One minute into the water and Peitro is soon sharkshit, leaving David to locate the Secret Treasure Of The Medici (which is so shrouded in mystery, it's signposted on a misspelled tablet of stone)

(Raiders Of The Lost Revenue)

Fleeing the shark, David comes to a underground tunnel, in which he finds a couple of 'Indiana Jones' style man-traps..leading up to the magnificent treasure. David makes a mental note of where the tunnel is (which, given his general lack of interest throughout, must have been some strain?) and heads back through the water...only to be met by the same hungry shark, who proceeds to bite our hefty heroes leg off.

(Heather Mills gave it everything she got)

I know what you're thinking (other than my blog is shit)....you're thinking 'How can the hero have his leg bitten off? Trust me, it would probably be a blessing if the movie ended here (34 minutes in) But I at least expected long scenes of David being fitted with a prosthetic leg, and spending years in recovery from such a fatal injury....But no sir-fucking-ree......David wakes in a hospital without any wounds whatsoever, and the leg chomping incident is never brought up again (WTF?)

(Old Mother Goose...I fucker her!)

David is questioned in hospital by Captain Bonasera, and promises to leave Venice the next day, and not to meddle in the waters anymore. Checking out of the hospital, both David and Laura are approached by Rossi, a henchman for Clemenza, who invites them to have dinner with his boss (and given that our hero is unlikely to have ever met a meal he didn't like) David accepts. Clemenza offers David $20 million to retrieve the treasure for hm, but (with the free meal inside his ample guts) our hero declines the offer, leaving a pissed of Mafia boss.

(Diarrhoea-blowbacks are never a pretty site)

Meanwhile (probably due to the film-makers cocaine comedown) we are treat to a completely unrelated scene of a nearby couple standing near the waters, The guy is chomped upon by the fakest looking CGI effect, I've ever had the misfortune to witness. And you'd better lap it up, as most of the other shark attacks are either briefly glimpsed substandard National Geographic out-takes, or scenes from other NU IMAGE sharkfests.

(Cry me a river...you little biatch!)

Oddly forgetting his missing (possibly dead) father, the treasure, and his (non-existent) leg amputation, David spends his last day in Venice with Laura looking round the shops and markets, like tourists. No sooner has David wasted (I'm guessing) €2 on a bright orange scarf for his intended, than a bunch of bad guys kick the shit out of him, and kidnap Laura. David only takes a punch and a kick, but it's more than enough to leave our 'Luxurious lecturer' crying like a baby, although visibly conscious, whilst the love of his life is dragged off in front of his weeping eyes.

(David approximately 38 seconds after his girlfriends abduction)

An alarmingly Stoic David is questioned at the police station by Lt. Sofia, and is given a police escort to his hotel. Strangely enough, the unfazed David falls asleep (despite his girlfriend being abducted) and is paid a visit from two Abseiling/Rappelling hit men from another building (NOTE: same footage that TODAY YOU DIE 'borrowed' from THE ORDER) David attempts to fight off his attackers but (and as usual) gets his ass kicked, so is just content to flee, pulling a variety of oddball faces (as if Norman Wisdom remade The Marathon Man) whilst running like fuck, away from the action.

(Intense)

The following chase is the highlight of the movie (just like the chase in SHOTGUN) because of the cack-addled manner in which it's shot and choreographed. First off, Baldwin has (in most cases) a 'running-double', and secondly because we get a shot of Baldwin hiding in the shadows, that's later looped and re-used about 4 or 5 times more, throughout the movie. Baldwin flees more motorcycles and hit men in this movie, than actual sharks. Culminating in a half tasty punch up in a work shop, with our rotund hero actually winning a fucking fight, and threatening a goon with a buzzsaw for information on Laura's whereabouts.

(What you mean, Pauly Shore stole 'BIO-DOME'?)

A tipped off David finds a boat, sees Lauras orange scarf (despite the fact, she clearly dropped it before being abducted in the market square) and is promptly knocked the fuck out (and just as he'd actually won the previous fucking fight?) and sent to Clemenzas underwater liar. Our hirsute mafia boss explains that he's planted the sharks in these waters to stop people searching for the treasure, thus safeguarding it for himself. He also threatens to kill Laura, unless our heavy hero retrieves the treasure (should have took the $2m in the first place, dickhead!) And it transpires that Police Lt. Sofia Totti is in cahoots with the bad guys (fucking bitch!)

(Meat the wife)

So, together with henchmen Rossi and Carter, David once again returns to the site of the treasure (Carter 0 Shark 1) Finding the treasure, Rossi has his orders to kill our Obese oceanographer...butduring a punch up is accidentally killed by one of the many man-traps in the underground cave (a rusty gatehouse through the windpipe) David swims back to Clemenzas hide out, the blonde Police Lieutenant turns out to be pulling a double DOUBLE bluff on the Mafia boss, and actually is a honest cop, and a Venietian swat team join the party for a spot of 'John Woo' style heroic bloodshed (During which both Clemenza and David tussle in the water)

(The lucky ones left the set early)

After much shooting, and fisticuffs, Clemenza is eaten by his own creature (in a briefly glimpsed montage of shark footage) David is reunited with Laura, Lt, Sophia is commended for bravery and Captain Bonasera looks 'nice' in a bullet-proof vest. Despite remaining tight lipped about the treasure to the police, David smugly places a centuries old valuable necklace round Lauras neck (about 6 feet away from the police investigation) before our hero proposes to a shit-grinning heroine, who glibly remarks "Let's not have the honeymoon in Venice" (Ha-Fucking-Ha indeed!)



SHARK IN VENICE (sadly) sees NU IMAGE suffer the same problems they had with SHARK ATTACK (1999) by marketing a 'Shark' movie, with little shark action.....In realitym the movie is just some Romanian Crime flick with the occasional dorsal fin. However, it's all the better for having Stephen Baldwin as the lead (as opposed to the dire Casper Van Dien) Baldwin looks seriously stoned throughout the course of the movie, delivering his lines with a laughable stoicism. His (slight) weight problem, coupled with some skintight (badly fitting) sweaters doesn't help matters (it's probably not a great idea for the male hero to have bigger tits than the heroine?) And his delivery of insipid dialogue, coupled with his chipmunk features on a face that always looks like it's about to sneeze, make his performance funnier than it has any right to be. But hey, at least he's a Man Of God (cause I'm sick to fucking death of atheists) The films many faults aside, SHARK IN VENICE is a 'bad-movie' fans dream (albeit, not enough shark action, and too much borrowed footage)

(Watershit Down)

Whilst better than SHARK ATTACK, and a must for bad movie fans, the movie could/should have more shark action (and relevency) I find it hard to believe that NU IMAGE were still making stuff like this in 2007, and even more baffled that WARNER BROS released this movie on DVD in the UK?




MEMORABLE QUOTES:



Lt. Sofia Totti: "It's impossible...this is not happening"

Vito Clemenza: "You're going to be in Heaven in a moment, but first I'm going to put you through Hell!"

(Does my Bum/Tum/Chin/Girth/Tits/etc, look big in this?)