DIRECT CONTACT (2009) Dolph Lundgren

As much as I enjoyed THE PUNISHER, ARMY OF ONE or MEN OF WAR, I've gotta' be honest here, and say that I've always found Dolph Lundgren to be the 'eternal bridesmaid' of action cinema, and found his recent movies rather dull. Be it my old age (or the fact that he killed 'Apollo Creed') I've found most of his DTV work to be 'lacking'. He sure looks the part and at 53 years young, 6' 5" tall, he certainly looks after himself....but (as with Wesley Snipes) his DTV work is littered with more duds than hits. None of this stops me from watching his movies.....but truth be told, I'm sick to death of reading stuff like "The Russian Specialist is a kick ass movie" (when it clearly isn't) or PR blurb stating "Command Performance rocks" (only to find a dull and plodding Die Hard Wannabe, hidden behind an otherwise great trailer) So it's with indifferent displeasure (?) that i review the latest Lundgren 'masterpiece' to hit UK shelves (despite it being already 2 year old...which is never a good sign) But looking at the DVD case...it seems to have some plus points, it's an 18 Certificate Nu Image movie, featuring Michael Pare......What could go wrong?

(Quite a lot....it seems)



DIRECT ACTION sees Lundgren as lunk-headed (ex-US Special forces) Mike Riggins , residing in an Eastern Europe prison for gun-running. Amidst the many beatings from the wardens, fights with inmates, or the blood drinking Rats, Riggins seems oddly at ease with his predicament. Enter shadowy U.S envoy Clive Connelly (Michael Pare) who offers Riggins a full pardon (plus $200k) to rescue an kidnapped American woman, Ana Gale (Gina May) who is being held by a ruthless criminal, Vlado Karadjov (surely a name worthy of a 90+ score at Scrabble?) Connelly also mentions that anna may be suffering a touch of 'Stockholm Syndrome' and may resist being rescued.

("Ray Liotta was busy filming BEE MOVIE 2")

Riggins gets $20k upfront, a mobile phone and (like any self respecting paroled inmate) heads to the nearest disco/titty bar to arrange a meeting with Karadjov. Of course, as with most Eastern European titty bars...the swarthy types soon betray Riggins, and
he is beaten up (but spared death) by Karadjov and his men. Undeterred, Riggins pays a visit to the local fire-arms seven/eleven...and heads back to Karadjovs base to bring da ruckas to all those muthafuckaz.

(The budget wouldn't stretch to 3D, but Dolph gave it his best shot)

Much fence cutting, bomb planting and knocking out inept guards later...Riggins finally locates Anna...who thanks him for his troubles with a swift kick to the knackers. Our hero punches her in the stomach to keep her from screaming (nice) and despite her protests of "Not being kidnapped", Riggins gets her out of Karadjovs base, much to the displeasure the sadistic General Drago (surely a knowing namesaked 'wink' at Lundgrens most iconic role?)

(EH?)

The chase is on (replete with usual NU-IMAGE second hand action scenes/explosions) Our hero and heroine make it to (brief) safety in a nearby hotel. Riggins phones Connelly (who reveals himself as C.I.A, but little else) and arranges a meeting place for the girl to be handed over and the cash to be exchanged. Riggins smells a rat, attends the meeting alone...and tells Connelly to eat the bird, before buggering off (on another chase sequence.....this time on a motorbike!) leading to more recycled action scenes.

(Dolph was on page 6 of 'The Fatty Arbuckle-sexual Etiquette manual')

Returning to the hotel, Riggins finds that Anna has escaped, but tracks her down to a train station. They both board the train (cue footage from Van Damme's 'Derailed') but Drago's men are there to (badly) shoot the shit out of innocent bystanders, in their quest to miss Riggins with every single bullet they fire. With several thousand rounds of ammo easily dodged, Riggins and Anna leave the train at the next station (which rather inexplicably seems built directly to a sewer filled with homeless people...but wide enough to accommodate a military hummer vehicle)

("No way did Streets Of Fire outperform Masters Of The Universe?")

Evading the army once again, our heroes steal a taxi, leading to a further chase scene (some ropey back projection and further sequences from 'Derailed' ) Fleeing their captors again (god this is getting repetitive) Riggins and Anna head to a nearby cafe. A news story on the TV indicates that Anna is in fact the daughter of (recently deceased) billionaire oil and Shipping magnate Allister Roberts. Now the picture is looking a little clearer about the real motives behind Conellys offer.

(Mmmmm, I wonder who gets shot....The Hero or the The Waiter?)

Anna tends to a graze on riggins stomach (fuck me...a bullet actually got within a yard of Dolph!) and the pair go to meet Karadjov (who it turns out IS a good guy) at a nearby football stadium. Unfortunately, General Drago and his army arrive on the scene...leading to another shoot-out (yawn) and the demise of Karadjov. Connelly arrives in a helicopter and (amazingly) keeps his end of the deal with Riggins (by giving him the money, as promised) in exchange for the girl. Anna (suitably pissed) berates our hero for selling out, but off he drives...leaving the heiress at the mercy of Drago and Connelly.



It turns out that Anna's naughty Uncle Trent is behind the whole shenanigans, and wants her to sign the rights of the company over to him. Connelly treats Anna to a bit of the 'Ike Turner First Date Workout', but (wahey!).....Riggins returns, armed with guns and rifles (plus the worst hand grenade explosions since For Your Height Only) leading to more chase footage (from Out For A Kill) to enliven proceedings (i mean WTF, we haven't had a shootout in the last 2 minutes)

(And the soldiers still fucking miss)

Outrunning the badguys again (for a fucking change!) Riggins figures out that the mobile phone Connelly gave him, is a tracking device (no shit sherlock!) Seeking shelter in a nearby woodshed, Riggins and anna finally get down to (an awkward looking scene of) Rumpy-pumpy. The next morning we see Riggins getting all McGuyver-like on his getaway vehicle (actually we see him lift a small panel of pig-iron...hardly an A-Team montage) This is inter-cut with General Drago and his army shooting the living shit out a group of villagers in his search for our heroes. Heading for the gates of the nearest American Embassy, our heroes are shot at by their own side (Realism at last!) So whats a former ex-US Special forces/gun runner/jailbird/mercenary/suspected terrorist to do...he simply drive into the building NEXT FUCKING DOOR to the embassy for a showdown with Drago/Connelly and various inept soldiers. Although Connellys demise is quite an 'explosive' scene (hint, hint) The movie still ends on a shit-eating grin fest, as Riggins looks at Anna and utters "God Bless America" ("Try lensing a movie there, every now and then Dolph" I say)

(Too hot for cinema)

DIRECT CONTACT is 20 years too late for an action movie (in terms of acting, plot and production values) and rather plodding (despite it's many action scenes) even for a low budget DTV release. Releasing stuff like this after THE EXPENDABLES, won't do Lundgren (and his career) any favours. Any moments of cheesy charm is few and far between (although I chuckled a little at Lundgren spitting up blood in his cell, only for a passing rat to gobble it up) And given the extensive BU-IMAGE back catalogue, they could have recycled much better action scenes (those OPERATION DELTA FORCE movies are also 'pilfered' throughout) Dolph still aquits himself well in the fight scenes, but they're nothing to write home about. Gina May comes across as a second rate Megan Fox (if such an entity exists?) and only Michael Pare walks away from this without any damage (and probably another Uwe Boll movie to make, that very weekend)

(Insert haemorrhoid gag here:)

If my review sounds dire and repetitive...it's because the movie is (oh, yeah, and because I'm a lousy reviewer as well) But the almost non-stop action and messy squib-work, doesn't change my opinion on Dolph Lundgren as a genuine action star...neither is DIRECT CONTACT jaw-droppingly bad enough to warrant a 'So-bad-it's-good' quality. It just sits there for 80 odd minutes, then finishes (like a fairweather friend, you've foolishly invited to your house) Although hardcore Lundgren buffs will probably find plenty to enjoy, nontheless. But given that i watched this movie as a double bill (alongside 'Los nuevos extraterrestres') and found DIRECT CONTACT to be the duller of the two...really says it all.

Then again, it might just be me...I can't stand Michael Dudikoff either?

(Although I didn't hate it, as much as this guy?)

DEATH WARRIOR (2009) Hector Echavarria

With the most generic title since Attack Force, DEATH WARRIOR is a nifty little MMA flick, written by and starring Hector Echavarria. The movie combines elements from CRANK, SAW (even the UK's own KILLER BITCH or Middlesbrough Lensed THE TOURNAMENT)

(Professor Joe Butcher looked on.....)

Hector Echavarria plays Reinero, world champion MMA fighter (and Wayne Newton/Tony Anthony lookalike) who (still at the top of his game) is looking forward to a much-hyped fight between himself and (his secret buddy) Wolf (played by piss poor B A Baracus) Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson. Immediately, we see that beyond the tough talk of the two men...they are in fact good friends, and merely talk shit to sell the fights (wow, already making 'dirty trick' movies about a relatively new sport) Fight promoter Russell, Reinero's wife kira, plus best friend (lantern chinned) Andre (and his sluttish sister, Sophia) look on. Life (it seems) can get no better for the champ and those around him....So far, so humdrum.

("You want a rose, an anchor......Or 'Mother'?)

Until one night, following a bout of (soft core, body doubled) rumpo with his missus, Reinero and wife are attacked by a mysterious swat team, and forced at gunpoint to listen to the sub-par Pacino impression given by criminal mastermind, Ivan (Nick Mancuso, clearly a long way from UNDER SIEGE, and seemingly coked up to the nines) who then injects Kira with a slow acting poison, and forces Reinero to fight in secretly filmed online death matches with other fighters in the same predicament, in reward for his wife's antidote. Reinero is knocked unconscious (requiring three pistol whips to the head, hard bastard that he is)

(Look ma.....No glands!)

Upon waking up, Reinero assures his wife that he'll get to the bottom of this, and attends his first meet up with (surprise, sur-fucking-prise) Wolf, and the two desperate men must fight it out to the death. Some 'Sonny Chiba' x-ray shots later, Wolf is dead and Reinero is even more pissed off...and what's worse, he thinks one of his friends may be working in cahoots with Ivan (with suspects and red herrings aplenty like these, it's a shame that Agatha Christie isn't around to rent this movie out, and enjoy the homage to her craft)

(One down...Next stop Bradley Coopers house!)

Reinero, gets into several other scrapes with several other fighters, before putting two and two together, and figuring out the bad guy...But not until we've been treat to several dozen 'avid fart' moments of sped up traffic, nighttime Aeriel shots, Silicone enhanced bimbos and the sort of hammy overacting by Nick Mancuso, that would have Billy Drago wincing in his bodyguard encrusted mansion.

(Down a bit, Nick)

Much more of the above ensues before a final online Mano-O-Mano between Reinero and (longtime buddy) Andre is staged. With Reinero's wife locked up in Ivan's palace (under constant threat of rape), and Andre's sister wearing an explosive necklace...both guys must fight to the death, but (with so much at respective stake) who will survive (here's a fucking clue...not Andre!)

(Drugs are for mugs, and crack is indeed...whack!)

And just when you think this movie with all it's elaborate SAW-like torture devices and chained fighting contraptions couldn't afford the bus fare from 'Insane St' to 'Ludicrous-ville'....it ends with MMA champ Reinero squaring off with (63 year old) Ivan, in a sword fight with the online cameras still rolling.

(Death Warrior meets Crystal Meth Warrior)

Torn between treating this movie with the resent it (probably) deserves, yet loving the high-fat 'cheese' content, it did keep me thinking throughout the movie. Although Hector Echavarria is the obvious hero of the movie, none of his opponents were genuine bad guys (as they all were blackmailed into this, as he was) so the (sub-par) 'linkin Park' soundtrack throughout the rumbles felt inappropriate (as did the 'Let's-see-what-bone-has-been-broken-here' CGI shots) But maybe I'm thinking too much about it.

(Reinero autographs tits, as his unimpressed wife looks on)

Hector Echavarria has that sort of Seagal-like arrogance to his character (i.e, his hair is bit iffy, and in between fights, everyone talks about great he is) But he adds that extra level of douche-ness, bye actually autographing two bimbos chesticles, right in front of his wife (who then gives him a night of red-hot 'in-out'....and also obliges him later on in the movie, despite being at deaths door)

(A briefly glimpsed shot of what i can only assume to be, an Arab gentleman?)

As previously mentioned, highlight of the movie is Nick Mancuso, who certainly earns the $40 they paid him to star in the movie. Not content with the wild eyes, he goes on full-out Pacino mode on several occasions (leading to some cracking dialogue) I'd recommend that he never switch dealers, and keep giving scenery-chewing performances like this one, in many more movies to come.

(It's not THAT sort of movie, folks!)

DEATH WARRIOR has a little more going for it than most MMA movies of recent. It's melding of genres, and a few elaborate scenarios set it apart from routine stuff (for example STREET WARRIOR or CIRCLE OF PAIN) And if Hector Echavarria is wooden, then Nick Mancuso adds the required polish (i.e, general shouting, and 'I-Don't-Give-A-Fuckness') to bring about a shine to proceedings.

(Nick Mancuso demmands payment in cocaine)

The big question is....Do i keep this movie, or stick it on my DVD stall?

(As do 'We'...........the audience)

A DANGEROUS MAN (2009) Steven Seagal

In 2007 Seagal bounced back (after the ropey FLIGHT OF FURY) with the majestic URBAN JUSTICE. He then followed it up with PISTOL WHIPPED...before slumping again with (the interesting misfire) AGAINST THE DARK and the (Michael J Fox edited) KILLSWITCH. It looked like a clear case of 'two-on'/'two off' for the stout sensei. But then along came THE KEEPER and restored a bit of credibility. Could Seagals next movie 'A DANGEROUS MAN' stick to the equilibrium of the 'two on/two off' system?

("How dare you mug my wife, with hair like that!")

Seagal stars as Shane Daniels (replete with native indian patchwork jacket) and the movie kicks straight into action, as we see Daniels defend his wife from a car-jacker (within the first 60 seconds) after beating him up a little, Shane gives chase after the crook. Skip forward to the next day, and the car-jacker is found dead (not to mention, brutally mutilated) and Shane (given his 'special forces history' tm) is number one suspect (and therefore under impartial US law.... he's imprisoned for the murder)

Cue the opening titles, and i must say they're pretty stylish for a DTV release.

Don't go expecting any HALF PAST DEAD 3 here folks, because the clock spins forward about 52, 560 hours (i.e, six years) and Shane (still incarcerated) receives one of those 'Dear John' letters from his wife (ungrateful bitch)

(Steven was always last in line for the prison toilet)

And speaking of bad timing (which we weren't, but I'm fresh out of cliché's) it turns out that evidence is found, which proves that Daniels didn't murder the carjacker, and he's released (although understandably 'pissed') Now, this being a Steven Seagal movie, do you think his next step will be to:

A) Track down his wife, and win back her heart?

B) Bring back rock music to a town (led by John Lithgow) that had previously banned it?

C) Kick some fucking ass?

(Answers on a £50 note, to the usual address)

Anyhow, whilst this is going on, a gang of Chinese crooks are smuggling immigrants into the U.S, and they take one special refugee aside (more on that later)

Daniels now released calls into a liquor store, and is soon back in trouble, when two (foolish) hoods try to rob him. Despite pleading with them to leave him alone, before he (quote) "Fucks them up ugly" Daniels gives them both a severe and brutal beating, drives off in their car, bottle in hand, and heads to (what he thinks is) a deserted wasteland to remember about his wife (cue flashbacks of a younger naked girl, dancing around an older fully clothed Seagal)

(Steven required no stunt doubles in this scene)

Seems that Daniels can't even have a sneaky 'trim' flashback in peace, because this 'deserted' highway is soon anything but. First off two Russian youths, who stop to unload empty beer cans from their van appear on the scene. And then a deputy sheriff in his police-car pulls up another car, driven by two Chinese drivers, who are reluctant to say whats in their boot, and promptly shoot the shit out of the officer, before setting their sights on the Russian youths. One of the young Russian men is killed, Daniels intervenes (wahey!) killing one of the Chinese criminals, and knocking out the other one (in some classic Seagal 'Slap-Fu') Daniels takes the Chinese car (quite the thief, it seems) after finding a carry-case full of money, and a tied up Chinese girl (as you do) inside.

Daniels, the girl, and the surviving Russian drive off with the money. The Chinese girl wakes up, and tells Shane that her uncle is an important business man, who has been smuggled into the country by the Chinese gangsters, but (upon realising that he's a VIP) they've double crossed his niece, and are now holding him to a higher ransom. Daniels agrees to help, if her powerful uncle can secure him a visa out of the U.S. The grateful Russian youth, also thanks Daniels, and points out that his father is a powerful Russian mob boss, who will gladly help him out (should he need it?)....Mmmm, subplot methinks?

(A clue, perhaps?)

Daniels and the girl, part way with the Russian, but soon realise that there's a 'tracking device' in the bag of money, and Shane finds himself killing more Chinese hoods, intent on retrieving it.

(If only he'd apply these tactics to LAWMAN?)

With the net closing in, Daniels visits the Russian mob boss (who thanks him for saving his son, and swears undying loyalty) but soon the Chinese hoods are blasting the mob bosses mansion, so Daniels, The Girl, the mob boss and his son, take the war to the Chinese, and attack their HQ to rescue the girls uncle.....

A Dangerous Man is a fast-paced action movie, with rarely a dull moment. The cinematography is crisp, and the camerawork is great. As previously mentioned, the opening titles are really good (and get the viewer pumped up for the next 90 minutes) The film has numerous fight scenes, explosions, profanity....everything a good 'Seagal-movie' should have

Steven gives a lively (i.e, awake) performance (think DRIVEN TO KILL) He performs most of his fights and still has amazing hand-speed, and his usual 'baddass persona' is present and correct.There's a well spread out series of fight scenes (again, probably on par with DRIVEN TO KILL) and more (basic) 'bang-for-your-buck' action than THE KEEPER

Only gripe (if any) is that Seagal is dubbed throughout (although not as bad as KILL SWITCH or ATTACK FORCE) it's all the more infuriating that the dubs are actually the same dialogue that Seagal is wording anyhow (i think the directors should tell him to "speak up" during takes?) Then again, they're probably shit scared of him.

A Dangerous Man is another good movie for Steven Seagal (had the dubbing/double issues not arisen....It would be near perfect) As it is, the casual viewer would probably not notice these gripes, and enjoy it for what it is....a simple-minded fast-paced action thriller (just don't go expecting another UNDER SIEGE 2) but for a DTV release it's a pretty solid movie (actually, it's better than some of his cinematic releases)