STREET WARS (2011) Steven Seagal

More tepid 'Seagalism', as the (yet-to-be-broadcast) series TRUE JUSTICE, spawns another deceitful 2 episode mix-up, masquerading as a feature film. DEADLY JUSTICE was the plodding first entry in the adventures of Seattle sheriff Elijah Kane and his crack (addict) team of awe-struck cops....is STREET WARS (effectively episodes 3 and 4) any better?

Picture opens at a rave club. Pretty young things are 'shaking their meat to the disco beat' as a shifty looking drug dealer, Tom, is selling 'ecstasy pills' to a young dancers (oooh, how topical!) Despite it being clearly night-time, we bizarrely cross-cut back and forth with Kane and his crew, chasing some 'free-running' criminals, who are jumping around like the mad monkey fighter from OUT FOR A KILL.....in broad daylight!

("Snap you bastard!")

Of course, we all know that Kane's younger (fitter) colleagues haven't a chance of nailing this 'parkour-perp', so the monkey man has the decency to run past the stout sensei (saving him any kind of chase scene) whilst his (ever humbled) colleagues gush about how 'difficult' it was to catch him (again, stroking Seagals omnipotent ego)

(The only able-bodied guy to ever give Seagal an order)

Back to the rave club, the inane music, pointless slow-mo's and avid farts continue...the girl takes the pills and drops dead on the dancefloor (amidst unaffected party goers) On the other side of town, Sheriff Graves demands that Kane 'babysit' the mayors son Gates, (fuck me, Seagal actually having a higher power!) Gate's reckons himself as a ladies man (sorry Homes, only room for one 'pipe-layer' on this show)



The next day, we see Tom's father (a dead ringer for Montell Williams) stand off to some low-life mafioso wannabes in the middle of the street. As the convo gets heated, passers by take notice of these hoodrats (one even films them trying to accost 'montell' on his mobile phone, and is shot for his troubles) The hoods take Montell and flee the scene.

(At which point would you stop filming a guy coming at you with a gun?)

More soap opera histrionics ensue, as it transpires that Kanes right-hand man Andre Mason, has septicemia (requiring an inhaler......I guess given the skepticism the inhaler recieves, implies that only 'physical perfection' can reach the high benchmark that Kane sets himself and his team? On top of all this, Masons wife is also pregnant, plus her constant bitching of "Kane and the job consume every part of you" prompts her to leave the (lazy-eyed) defective detective.

(The 'BLAZING SADDLES' remake was coming along nicely)

Gates is scoring 'zero-play' with (one-time rookie) cop Sarah, who spurns his corny advances (like i said, only co-writer Seagal, gets the trim around here ) Kane and his team, find and arrest Tom at a rave. They question him about his supplies, and clue him in on the many subsequent deaths they have caused. Kane even asks "Where Yo Daddy?" to the bemused drug-dealer

(Typical sheriffs office....Swords, Guitars, blondes)

Turns out the sinister mafioso types all work for bigwig who's (Einstein-like) masterplan is to flood the existing dealers with his lethal supply, so he can step in with his 'good' drugs (wtf?) More drug related deaths follow. Gates goes behind the Kanes back, and cut side deals with a female DEA agent Stephanie, to get vital 'intel' on the case. Not long afterwards, Gates is ran over, and hospitalised during a shootout. Kane suspects that there's a 'Rat' in the force?

("This time...he's bringing out the big guns")

An incarcerated Tom tells kane the whereabouts of the bad guys drug factory, and Kane (with his superhuman cunning) deduces (correctly) that this is where Toms father is being held. Our elite team are soon there, shooting the shit out of various bad guys, and even Kane gets to thrown down some aikido on a few of the criminals. Toms dad is rescued, and all the bumbling bad guys (who don't come quietly) are blasted to piss.

(The 'Boss-With-No-Name' )

It's at this point, if you're still awake (or sober) you may notice the (more than obvious) shift between the two episodes. At this point we are introduced to the 'Head Honcho' behind the fatal drugs. I don't think they give him a name (but the henchmen call him "Boss" a lot) and to be honest, I'm in no mood to watch this fucker anytime soon, just to find his name. All I'll say is this:

1) He looks like the result of a 'ménage à trois' between Ed Lauter, Randy Quaid and Terry O'Quinn

2) He is introduced, sat in his limousine watching a (brief) snippet of 'A DANGEROUS MAN' on his television

("Yes your honour, he accidentally broke both his arms before killing himself")

Anyhow, turns out Kane left one survivor of the drugs raid (well, this is tv after all) and he's been shipped to prison. The 'Boss-With-No-Name' orders the survivor to be 'shanked', and Kane arrives, just as the hitman has dropped the blade. Despite being caught red-handed, he (wisely) pleads "I have no beef with you" to a disinterested Kane, who glibly retorts "You will, when you get done with this beating man" before kicking the living fuck out of him and promptly slashing his throat (True Justice indeed) A few more scenes like this, wouldn't have gone amiss.

After a hard day, killing and maiming, Sheriff Kane likes nothing better than sitting in his office, playing guitar (instead of trying to catch criminals) and seems oddly annoyed at having 'police work' interrupt his 'slowhand'

(Eric Clapped-out)

DEA agent Stephanie is found shot to shit. Kane smells a rat (or is it the script?) and has a private meeting with her boss (DEA big cheese) Jack, warning him about the 'rat'they agree to share 'intel' on the case, starting with access to Stephanies computer files. Back at the police station, a (camp as tents) film-maker Seban (Bryon Mann, underused as usual, but having fun for a change) is making a movie about inner city crime, and has it on approval by the Mayor, that Kane let himself and cameraman tag along (given the hospitalisation of his nephew, I'd say this Mayor was a fucking idiot?)

(Oh Mann)

Whilst out filming, Mason, Sebon and the film-crew are soon kidnapped by thugs and taken to an abandoned warehouse (tm) and set as bait for Kane and Co,. The goons boobytrap the building with explosives. Will Kane detect the tripwires (is Russell Brand deeply unfunny?) A shootout follows with the younger bucks, whilst Kane (replete with epileptic editting) chops his way through the few remaining bad-guys (accompanied by a thumping 'Nu-Metal' score) After fucking up (rather easily) the only bad guy who had a chance of fighting back, Sensei Kane remarks "It's a shame you couldn't fight better man, I'da love to kill yo ass!" Sarah gets an eleventh hour phone call from Gates, which is a vital clue to the identity of the 'rat' in the force.

("Steady on fucko!")

Putting two-and-two-together, Kane arrests DEA boss Jack for being the mole (and for Stephanie's murder) and soon everyone is at the hospital bedside of Gates, making shit-eating grins. Gates it appears has cut the mustard as a cop, resulting in the following (and quite frankly...expected) final ego-stroke for the Stout Sensei:

Kane "I got somebody I gotta see, so I gotta hurry"

Gates "Figures.......Who is it this week?"

Enter a glamorous woman (at least 35 years younger than her date) walk in, plant a kiss on our hero.

Kane "What, this one?.......This womans stalking me.......She's stalking me"

(Women want him...Men wanna' be him)

STREET WARS has a few fight scenes here and there, but (sadly) it's obvious why this hasn't been syndicated yet (quite frankly, it's even duller than it's predecessor) Once again editing two plodding episodes together, doesn't make it any more exciting (or coherent) In a David Lynchian stroke, one scene jumps forward (quote) "THREE DAYS LATER" just to accommodate a plot contrivance, only to be followed (a minute later) with "BACK TO PRESENT"....Maybe Tarantino can fool the masses with shit like this, but it's a huge 'fuck you' to it's audience, that makes me angry for buying this fucking release in the first place.

(At least someone's getting a kick out of Street Wars?)

Seagal seems bored (and all this 'nice' stuff is making me yearn for him to utter "Chickenshit-Fucking-Pussy-Asshole" once in a while) The few fight scenes are filmed and edited by Michael J fox (on ritalin) with nary a trademark 'Aikido-move' amongst them. A few minor (trademark) ego strokes and moments of 'What-The-Fuck-Ness' hardly justifies a lethargic 90 minute snooze-fest. I tell you, if this wasn't Seagal up on the screen, i'd be out on the streets, fucking up all and sundry, demanding my money back.


For Seagal completists, and movie perverts (like myself) only!

Happy Birthday Steven Seagal

Today the 'Stout Sensei' is 60 years young. Despite the (many) digs at his size, or the quality of his recent movies...the guy has such a screen presence* (whether you like him or not) and is still one of the most credible action stars around today. From the top-flight bone-breaking 'hardcore' classics like OUT FOR JUSTICE and MARKED FOR DEATH to the absurdities of ATTACK FORCE and OUT FOR A KILL, Seagal has been entertaining audiences now, for well over 20 years (not bad for a guy who debuted in a lead role for a major studio at 37 years of age) On top of that, the guy writes, produces, directs, sings and is a tireless campaigner for many humanitarian charities around the world. Oh, and did i forget he's an expert 7th Dan Aikido master!

Straight-To-DVD-Heaven salutes you Steven Seagal, have a great Birthday Sir




(* He was easily the best thing about 2010's MACHETE)

My Seagal 'Congratulatory' Mix

I've recently uploaded a few of my songs/mixes on Youtube, and this is probably the best place to showcase this one (replete with 'first timer' style slideshows) the mixes are rather lame, but contain most of the best "how good is he" moments from Seagal movies...Enjoy

BORN TO RAISE HELL (2010) Steven Seagal

Wow.....two Seagal reviews in one day (I must be on PCP!)

BORN TO RAISE HELL crept into the UK on december 27th 2010. Whilst hardly a fitting 'step forward' after MACHETE got the 'Stout Sensei' back on the big screen, it has a few points of interest, to satisfy the die-hards.

Seagal plays special tactical squad leader 'Bobby' (surnames not needed)who heads up an 'International Drug Task Force', that (for budgetary reasons is currently located in Bulgaria) The film opens with getting the drop on some arms dealers, leading to a brutal shoot out in a bar. For the many faults I'm about to point out about this movie, let me take this opportunity to point out that Seagal is badass as fuck in this one (sample dialogue "This shotgun is my warrant bitch")
The titles roll and we are treat to images of money counting machines, lap dancers and all the other 'pleasantries' associated with the middle east.



We are treat to a voice-over (that's supposed to be Seagal...but clearly isn't) who informs us (rather modestly) that the squad is headed only by the "top narcotic cops" (i.e, him...because he's there to replace a friend who was killed on duty) Bobby swears to find the killers. And about 5 minutes into things, we also get the 'nagging girlfriend on the phone' scenario (of course she's almost 40 years younger) and after calming her down, Bobby hangs up and remarks "Believe 'Dat Shit" (as we've all done)



We are then treat to a pleasant scene involving a 'home invasion' by a gang of Russian criminals, lead by the sadistic Costel (played by Darren Sahlavi) whose M.O. is to break in, kill the husbands and rape the wives. More 'Avid Fart' nonsense ensues, leading to Bobby and his task force getting he drop on some other criminal/dealer types. For a lesser sentence, one of the detained crooks (Bruce) agrees to go undercover and rat out even bigger criminals, like the old mob boss Dimitri, who plays chess in the park or the 'home-invasion rapist' Costel, who turns out to be another powerful kingpin (guess the break ins, murder and rapes, just ease the tension somewhat?)

(Voltage Pictures were accused of 'Subliminal-Advertising' in their movies)

Bruce is wired up, and attempts to frame Dimitri, whilst Bobby and Steve listen in, parked in a nearby van. They are soon made by Dimitri's bodyguards and Bobby gets out, knocking several shades of shite out of one and all.

(Flipping hell)

Meanwhile the Dimitri leads a family life in his huge mansion (replete with drug laboratory and workers in the basement) Seagal pulls over Dimitri and arrests him. Later that evening, Bobby attempts to have a quiet meal with his girlfriend...but oh no, more wrists, arms and legs to be broken. Upon beating three of Dimitri's guys senseless, Bobby remarks to his wife "See why i hate eating out"

(This Bruce isn't 'Boss')

Dimitri gets bailed, Bruce is shot in the head for his treachery, and Bobby indulges in (another Seagal trademark) 'The Clothed Lovemaking Scene With The Younger Girl'

("I said full fat milk!")

We cut to Dimitri and having a major fallout with Costel...leading to more 'avid fart' shots of topless dancers, sped up angles and European looking cars. Costel decides to do his whole 'house call' act on Dimitri's family, resulting in his wife being murdered, and a war between the two crime lords well and truly up and running.



Costel attempts to flee the scene, but is confronted by Bobby and Steve, resulting in a chase, a shootout, leading to Steve's death. With two friends dead in the line of duty, Bobby swears revenge, and even teams up with Dimitri to bring Costel to justice.

("How dare you have the same colour jacket as I?")

If my review seems a little disjointed, it's only because the plot to this one is all over the place. Despite the fact, that this is a by-the-numbers Seagal effort (nowhere near as good as A DANGEROUS MAN, URBAN JUSTICE or DRIVEN TO KILL) it does have a few interesting points, though. The plot (however slim) has parallels to early 70's Italian 'Polizia' movies (in that it shows the Law teaming up with the lesser evils to bring down the greater ones) and the actor playing Dimitri is quite good, and Darren Sahlavi is a name to watch out for (shame his rumble with Seagal was so one-sided)

Seagal adds real police procedures to the 'raid' and 'arrest' sequences (probably picked up from his stint as a real life deputy) A mixed bag for sure, but not without interest....but a step back from A DANGEROUS MAN. The one good thing about a less than memorable Seagal movie, is in about 6 months time, you'll barely remember a thing about it (thus, it'll be like watching a new movie again) and chances are,you'll either see something you didn't notice before, or it'll just plain grow on you. Either way, it's far from the turkey it could have been, but could have been so much better better (especially since Seagal wrote the script) I suppose it's A DANGEROUS MAN's fault, for being so good

("Oops...My bad")

Classic Dialogue:

"Midgets are a little short...money should never be" (Remarks Dimitri to Costel, during a light pay-off)

"Trust is not one of my more spectacular attributes" (Bobby modestly informs Bruce)

"Only a brilliant Strategist, cold have beaten me in one move" (says Dimitri to Bobby, after only one exchange in chess)

A DANGEROUS MAN (2009) Steven Seagal

In 2007 Seagal bounced back (after the ropey FLIGHT OF FURY) with the majestic URBAN JUSTICE. He then followed it up with PISTOL WHIPPED...before slumping again with (the interesting misfire) AGAINST THE DARK and the (Michael J Fox edited) KILLSWITCH. It looked like a clear case of 'two-on'/'two off' for the stout sensei. But then along came THE KEEPER and restored a bit of credibility. Could Seagals next movie 'A DANGEROUS MAN' stick to the equilibrium of the 'two on/two off' system?

("How dare you mug my wife, with hair like that!")

Seagal stars as Shane Daniels (replete with native indian patchwork jacket) and the movie kicks straight into action, as we see Daniels defend his wife from a car-jacker (within the first 60 seconds) after beating him up a little, Shane gives chase after the crook. Skip forward to the next day, and the car-jacker is found dead (not to mention, brutally mutilated) and Shane (given his 'special forces history' tm) is number one suspect (and therefore under impartial US law.... he's imprisoned for the murder)

Cue the opening titles, and i must say they're pretty stylish for a DTV release.

Don't go expecting any HALF PAST DEAD 3 here folks, because the clock spins forward about 52, 560 hours (i.e, six years) and Shane (still incarcerated) receives one of those 'Dear John' letters from his wife (ungrateful bitch)

(Steven was always last in line for the prison toilet)

And speaking of bad timing (which we weren't, but I'm fresh out of cliché's) it turns out that evidence is found, which proves that Daniels didn't murder the carjacker, and he's released (although understandably 'pissed') Now, this being a Steven Seagal movie, do you think his next step will be to:

A) Track down his wife, and win back her heart?

B) Bring back rock music to a town (led by John Lithgow) that had previously banned it?

C) Kick some fucking ass?

(Answers on a £50 note, to the usual address)

Anyhow, whilst this is going on, a gang of Chinese crooks are smuggling immigrants into the U.S, and they take one special refugee aside (more on that later)

Daniels now released calls into a liquor store, and is soon back in trouble, when two (foolish) hoods try to rob him. Despite pleading with them to leave him alone, before he (quote) "Fucks them up ugly" Daniels gives them both a severe and brutal beating, drives off in their car, bottle in hand, and heads to (what he thinks is) a deserted wasteland to remember about his wife (cue flashbacks of a younger naked girl, dancing around an older fully clothed Seagal)

(Steven required no stunt doubles in this scene)

Seems that Daniels can't even have a sneaky 'trim' flashback in peace, because this 'deserted' highway is soon anything but. First off two Russian youths, who stop to unload empty beer cans from their van appear on the scene. And then a deputy sheriff in his police-car pulls up another car, driven by two Chinese drivers, who are reluctant to say whats in their boot, and promptly shoot the shit out of the officer, before setting their sights on the Russian youths. One of the young Russian men is killed, Daniels intervenes (wahey!) killing one of the Chinese criminals, and knocking out the other one (in some classic Seagal 'Slap-Fu') Daniels takes the Chinese car (quite the thief, it seems) after finding a carry-case full of money, and a tied up Chinese girl (as you do) inside.

Daniels, the girl, and the surviving Russian drive off with the money. The Chinese girl wakes up, and tells Shane that her uncle is an important business man, who has been smuggled into the country by the Chinese gangsters, but (upon realising that he's a VIP) they've double crossed his niece, and are now holding him to a higher ransom. Daniels agrees to help, if her powerful uncle can secure him a visa out of the U.S. The grateful Russian youth, also thanks Daniels, and points out that his father is a powerful Russian mob boss, who will gladly help him out (should he need it?)....Mmmm, subplot methinks?

(A clue, perhaps?)

Daniels and the girl, part way with the Russian, but soon realise that there's a 'tracking device' in the bag of money, and Shane finds himself killing more Chinese hoods, intent on retrieving it.

(If only he'd apply these tactics to LAWMAN?)

With the net closing in, Daniels visits the Russian mob boss (who thanks him for saving his son, and swears undying loyalty) but soon the Chinese hoods are blasting the mob bosses mansion, so Daniels, The Girl, the mob boss and his son, take the war to the Chinese, and attack their HQ to rescue the girls uncle.....

A Dangerous Man is a fast-paced action movie, with rarely a dull moment. The cinematography is crisp, and the camerawork is great. As previously mentioned, the opening titles are really good (and get the viewer pumped up for the next 90 minutes) The film has numerous fight scenes, explosions, profanity....everything a good 'Seagal-movie' should have

Steven gives a lively (i.e, awake) performance (think DRIVEN TO KILL) He performs most of his fights and still has amazing hand-speed, and his usual 'baddass persona' is present and correct.There's a well spread out series of fight scenes (again, probably on par with DRIVEN TO KILL) and more (basic) 'bang-for-your-buck' action than THE KEEPER

Only gripe (if any) is that Seagal is dubbed throughout (although not as bad as KILL SWITCH or ATTACK FORCE) it's all the more infuriating that the dubs are actually the same dialogue that Seagal is wording anyhow (i think the directors should tell him to "speak up" during takes?) Then again, they're probably shit scared of him.

A Dangerous Man is another good movie for Steven Seagal (had the dubbing/double issues not arisen....It would be near perfect) As it is, the casual viewer would probably not notice these gripes, and enjoy it for what it is....a simple-minded fast-paced action thriller (just don't go expecting another UNDER SIEGE 2) but for a DTV release it's a pretty solid movie (actually, it's better than some of his cinematic releases)

DEADLY CROSSING (2010) Steven Seagal

(The 'Scowl'....Seagal
The 'Hair'...Seagal
The 'Nose'....Rumpole Of The Bailey)

Steven Seagal is back in (PG-13) action in this 'avid fart' festooned, confusing cop drama, that features tittless strip shows, near-obscenities and regular 'fade-outs'......all of which give the impression of a bad pilot for a would-be TV show.

Guess what.......IT FUCKING IS!!!!!

'Deadly Crossing', is in fact, a two episode compilation of Sensei's latest TV show 'True Justice'......Sadly to say, i don't think it'll gain Seagal any new fans, but the (ever-forgiving) die-hard Seagal buffs, may find something to enjoy here. At least it opens with one of Seagals better songs (from the 'Songs From The Crystal Cave' album) 'MY GOD' (featuring Stevie Wonder) as the (obviously generic TV style) titles roll......

(Seagal shows us the ropes...then proceeds to cut it's fucking head off)

Seagal stars as Elijah Kane (badass name) head of a Seattle unit of undercover cops, that use 'Unconventional methods' ('surprise, sur-fucking-prise) who take down various bad guys (usually Russians) from Crimes (usually drug deals) in a variety of 'glitzy' locations (usually strip clubs) The plot (already all over the place, due to the fact that it's been edited from two 'open-and-shut' episodes to resemble one full case) is strained even further, by not giving Lord Seagal enough screen-time and instead concentrating on secondary characters (who mostly resemble 'Sunset Beach' rejects/junkies/drop-outs)

The plots (as mismatched as they are) contain: a liquour-store shoot-out, a female cop (who doesn't fawn at the sight of Lord Steven...therefore a suspected murderer) and a gang of Cajun campfire trailer trash who are in cahoots with Russian gun/drug runners (wtf) And because these events are meant to exist in 2 seperate 45 minute episodes, the narative feels badly stretched over the 90 minute mark. Maybe as stand alone episodes, they may fare better... as they are here, they feel extremely padded?

Kane's team consist of the usual clichés associated with such shows:

(A younger, hot-headed, rather fey-looking maverick)

(A token black man, looking particularly enthused at such an undertaking)

(A sluttish, hard-nosed bitch, who secretly lusts for the Sensei
and an equally sluttish rookie, keen to prove herself in her new job, thus sticking her chest out further than the other)

All of the above look up to Kane (and not just because he's a 6.5" mangod of sexual Aikido) but because (and the following "quotes" are from the actual True Justice 'press release')

Quote: "Elijah Kane is as good as they come"

Quote: "Kane, although admirable in honor and worthy of praise for his moral principles, has a past shrouded in mystery"

Quote: "Performing under intense pressure and composed in life threatening situations, he demonstrates the expertise of a warrior, clearly ex-military; exercising his abilities gained in his work with special ops forces"

Quote: "Kane's second in command, Juliet, admires his strong sense of justice and righteousness, especially when it comes to protecting those weaker than him"

Quote: "These young cops look up to Kane in reverence and admiration"

Now those quotes prove to be much better than the actualend result...But i applaud the po-faced nature of such unintentional howlers. And i suspect this show (if picked up for a few seasons may achieve cult status, and actually rank alongside 'So-bad-they're-good' material (i.e) ATTACK FORCE and TODAY YOU DIE.

(A Russian bad guy, who my long-suffering girlfriend informed me, was in Ally McBeal........What would Harrison Ford Say?)

Seagal looks in OK shape (a little heavier, but still fast enough) but seems to be constantly doubled in any shot that shows him from behind (i'm not entirely sure why this is?) But there's no audio dubbing of his voice (yahoo!) The other actors (as mentioned) seem more like 'models' and 'clothes pegs' rather than characters...but Seagal interacts OK with them. They all make at least a dozen references to his bad-assery...which sort of eliviate the tedium (and help the cheap cider go down your throat, that little easier!)

("The Girlies Say They Love Me.....And That's OK...And I Can Dance Better Than Any Kid Or Play")

Now being a TV show (and more importantly not a H.B.O TV show) the profanity and nudity is non-existent. The fight scenes, which there's about 4 or 5 (despite the expected 'erratic' shaky-cam) still contain a few 'trademark' Seagal moves, but are pedestrian, and lack the brutality of recent fare (like Driven To Kill or A Dangerous Man)

(Not the most flattering picture of Sensei Seagal, I might add!)

Some of the more basic stuff looks doubled, yet more of the better moves are Seagal (he even throws a kick or two) but rarely does any scene last longer than a few frames (fights or otherwise) One plus point, is that the production values of this show looks more professional than some of Seagals movies (of late)

("What do you mean 'Porker Texas Ranger'?")

The one big annoyance being the whole 'sped-up' and 'Fast Zoom' camera techniques (or 'Avid Farts' as Vern calls them) that punctuate the beginning of nearly every scene. Any fans expecting this show to be a C.S.I rival, can think again. The plot occasionally has a bit of police procedure and cop-lingo.....but little running time goes into solving the case, other than receiving tip offs, or being at the right time at the right place. Hopefully, this show will have more genuine 'detective' work, if it intends to have a second season. As a 45 minute show, i wish it well.....as a DVD marked £9.99 alongside other (genuine) movies in my local supermarket.....only my 'Seagal love' and 'completeism' deter me from going 'loco' with my air pistol in Morrisons.

("Big-ger-shoe, sir" asked the homeless newspaper selesman)

Anyhow (and you'd have to be fucktard to consider this a 'Spoiler') Kane gets the russian mob boss/arms/drug dealer, and launches (his usual) hand-to-broken-hand one-sided onslaught on the poor fucker....Culminating in a semi-decent act of leg-breaking, that makes the viewer beg for the days of MARKED FOR DEATH

(Ouch #1)

As a whole, 'Deadly Crossing' should have been sold as a budget release. Casual punters paying full price for a TV show, may resent and unjustifiably overlook any future projects, due to feeling shortchanged with this one. Optimum DVD (who seem to be releasing most of Seagals recent offerings) don't even offer up a trailer (despite a trailer actually existing, and a lot more exciting than the movie it's advertising) and we must also welcome the return of the time-honoured tradition of 'Misleading-Artwork-Bullshit.........Featuring cover art with 'Helicopters and explosions' (Check the cover art)

(Oh, and BTW, there's an obligitory 'Seagal kisses a mysterious woman' parting shot, which can only be a plus, in a sea of negatives?)

After the (dissapointing, but ultimately still badass) Born To Raise Hell, this release is a misleading misfire, and it's deception/pretention of being perceived as a genuine release, won't win any Seagal new fans (nor inspire any interest in future stuff) I'd have sooner Seagal knocked out a genuine 'quickie' dtv movie, than to follow up 'Machete' with a TV show (but hey, i guess these decisions are way out of his hands) I have a strong feeling that OPTIMUM DVD may release the show in 2 episode mash-up 'dvd releases' like this one, which may ruin what could have been a half decent TV show.


If my review sounds 'damning'...it's probably because i don't mind Seagal Sensei making shit movies....I just take umbrage to him making 'Shit TV shows' and then being packaged like movies. If my review seems under-written (in regards to plot) it's because there's not much to speak about (even my Girlfriend complained about the never-ending scenes of night-time ariel shots of builings and sped-up sunrises, replete with accelarated traffic) But as much as it seems like i'm completely ragging on this release......hey, it's still Seagal...so it's therefore light years ahead of all this Matt Damon/Shia LaPoof shit that clog up the multiplexes.

Buy the 'movie'...Realise it isn't......Drink that cider.....Show it to your girlfriend