DIRECT CONTACT (2009) Dolph Lundgren

As much as I enjoyed THE PUNISHER, ARMY OF ONE or MEN OF WAR, I've gotta' be honest here, and say that I've always found Dolph Lundgren to be the 'eternal bridesmaid' of action cinema, and found his recent movies rather dull. Be it my old age (or the fact that he killed 'Apollo Creed') I've found most of his DTV work to be 'lacking'. He sure looks the part and at 53 years young, 6' 5" tall, he certainly looks after himself....but (as with Wesley Snipes) his DTV work is littered with more duds than hits. None of this stops me from watching his movies.....but truth be told, I'm sick to death of reading stuff like "The Russian Specialist is a kick ass movie" (when it clearly isn't) or PR blurb stating "Command Performance rocks" (only to find a dull and plodding Die Hard Wannabe, hidden behind an otherwise great trailer) So it's with indifferent displeasure (?) that i review the latest Lundgren 'masterpiece' to hit UK shelves (despite it being already 2 year old...which is never a good sign) But looking at the DVD case...it seems to have some plus points, it's an 18 Certificate Nu Image movie, featuring Michael Pare......What could go wrong?

(Quite a lot....it seems)



DIRECT ACTION sees Lundgren as lunk-headed (ex-US Special forces) Mike Riggins , residing in an Eastern Europe prison for gun-running. Amidst the many beatings from the wardens, fights with inmates, or the blood drinking Rats, Riggins seems oddly at ease with his predicament. Enter shadowy U.S envoy Clive Connelly (Michael Pare) who offers Riggins a full pardon (plus $200k) to rescue an kidnapped American woman, Ana Gale (Gina May) who is being held by a ruthless criminal, Vlado Karadjov (surely a name worthy of a 90+ score at Scrabble?) Connelly also mentions that anna may be suffering a touch of 'Stockholm Syndrome' and may resist being rescued.

("Ray Liotta was busy filming BEE MOVIE 2")

Riggins gets $20k upfront, a mobile phone and (like any self respecting paroled inmate) heads to the nearest disco/titty bar to arrange a meeting with Karadjov. Of course, as with most Eastern European titty bars...the swarthy types soon betray Riggins, and
he is beaten up (but spared death) by Karadjov and his men. Undeterred, Riggins pays a visit to the local fire-arms seven/eleven...and heads back to Karadjovs base to bring da ruckas to all those muthafuckaz.

(The budget wouldn't stretch to 3D, but Dolph gave it his best shot)

Much fence cutting, bomb planting and knocking out inept guards later...Riggins finally locates Anna...who thanks him for his troubles with a swift kick to the knackers. Our hero punches her in the stomach to keep her from screaming (nice) and despite her protests of "Not being kidnapped", Riggins gets her out of Karadjovs base, much to the displeasure the sadistic General Drago (surely a knowing namesaked 'wink' at Lundgrens most iconic role?)

(EH?)

The chase is on (replete with usual NU-IMAGE second hand action scenes/explosions) Our hero and heroine make it to (brief) safety in a nearby hotel. Riggins phones Connelly (who reveals himself as C.I.A, but little else) and arranges a meeting place for the girl to be handed over and the cash to be exchanged. Riggins smells a rat, attends the meeting alone...and tells Connelly to eat the bird, before buggering off (on another chase sequence.....this time on a motorbike!) leading to more recycled action scenes.

(Dolph was on page 6 of 'The Fatty Arbuckle-sexual Etiquette manual')

Returning to the hotel, Riggins finds that Anna has escaped, but tracks her down to a train station. They both board the train (cue footage from Van Damme's 'Derailed') but Drago's men are there to (badly) shoot the shit out of innocent bystanders, in their quest to miss Riggins with every single bullet they fire. With several thousand rounds of ammo easily dodged, Riggins and Anna leave the train at the next station (which rather inexplicably seems built directly to a sewer filled with homeless people...but wide enough to accommodate a military hummer vehicle)

("No way did Streets Of Fire outperform Masters Of The Universe?")

Evading the army once again, our heroes steal a taxi, leading to a further chase scene (some ropey back projection and further sequences from 'Derailed' ) Fleeing their captors again (god this is getting repetitive) Riggins and Anna head to a nearby cafe. A news story on the TV indicates that Anna is in fact the daughter of (recently deceased) billionaire oil and Shipping magnate Allister Roberts. Now the picture is looking a little clearer about the real motives behind Conellys offer.

(Mmmmm, I wonder who gets shot....The Hero or the The Waiter?)

Anna tends to a graze on riggins stomach (fuck me...a bullet actually got within a yard of Dolph!) and the pair go to meet Karadjov (who it turns out IS a good guy) at a nearby football stadium. Unfortunately, General Drago and his army arrive on the scene...leading to another shoot-out (yawn) and the demise of Karadjov. Connelly arrives in a helicopter and (amazingly) keeps his end of the deal with Riggins (by giving him the money, as promised) in exchange for the girl. Anna (suitably pissed) berates our hero for selling out, but off he drives...leaving the heiress at the mercy of Drago and Connelly.



It turns out that Anna's naughty Uncle Trent is behind the whole shenanigans, and wants her to sign the rights of the company over to him. Connelly treats Anna to a bit of the 'Ike Turner First Date Workout', but (wahey!).....Riggins returns, armed with guns and rifles (plus the worst hand grenade explosions since For Your Height Only) leading to more chase footage (from Out For A Kill) to enliven proceedings (i mean WTF, we haven't had a shootout in the last 2 minutes)

(And the soldiers still fucking miss)

Outrunning the badguys again (for a fucking change!) Riggins figures out that the mobile phone Connelly gave him, is a tracking device (no shit sherlock!) Seeking shelter in a nearby woodshed, Riggins and anna finally get down to (an awkward looking scene of) Rumpy-pumpy. The next morning we see Riggins getting all McGuyver-like on his getaway vehicle (actually we see him lift a small panel of pig-iron...hardly an A-Team montage) This is inter-cut with General Drago and his army shooting the living shit out a group of villagers in his search for our heroes. Heading for the gates of the nearest American Embassy, our heroes are shot at by their own side (Realism at last!) So whats a former ex-US Special forces/gun runner/jailbird/mercenary/suspected terrorist to do...he simply drive into the building NEXT FUCKING DOOR to the embassy for a showdown with Drago/Connelly and various inept soldiers. Although Connellys demise is quite an 'explosive' scene (hint, hint) The movie still ends on a shit-eating grin fest, as Riggins looks at Anna and utters "God Bless America" ("Try lensing a movie there, every now and then Dolph" I say)

(Too hot for cinema)

DIRECT CONTACT is 20 years too late for an action movie (in terms of acting, plot and production values) and rather plodding (despite it's many action scenes) even for a low budget DTV release. Releasing stuff like this after THE EXPENDABLES, won't do Lundgren (and his career) any favours. Any moments of cheesy charm is few and far between (although I chuckled a little at Lundgren spitting up blood in his cell, only for a passing rat to gobble it up) And given the extensive BU-IMAGE back catalogue, they could have recycled much better action scenes (those OPERATION DELTA FORCE movies are also 'pilfered' throughout) Dolph still aquits himself well in the fight scenes, but they're nothing to write home about. Gina May comes across as a second rate Megan Fox (if such an entity exists?) and only Michael Pare walks away from this without any damage (and probably another Uwe Boll movie to make, that very weekend)

(Insert haemorrhoid gag here:)

If my review sounds dire and repetitive...it's because the movie is (oh, yeah, and because I'm a lousy reviewer as well) But the almost non-stop action and messy squib-work, doesn't change my opinion on Dolph Lundgren as a genuine action star...neither is DIRECT CONTACT jaw-droppingly bad enough to warrant a 'So-bad-it's-good' quality. It just sits there for 80 odd minutes, then finishes (like a fairweather friend, you've foolishly invited to your house) Although hardcore Lundgren buffs will probably find plenty to enjoy, nontheless. But given that i watched this movie as a double bill (alongside 'Los nuevos extraterrestres') and found DIRECT CONTACT to be the duller of the two...really says it all.

Then again, it might just be me...I can't stand Michael Dudikoff either?

(Although I didn't hate it, as much as this guy?)

SHARK IN VENICE (2007) Stephen Baldwin

Rounding off my (slightly disappointing) SHARK WEEK, I regret not being able to locate my missing SHARK ATTACK 3 disc (to complete the trilogy) Rest assured, when I find it, I'll stick up a review. Here's the next best thing, in terms of cheesy NU IMAGE shark action...

Stephen Baldwin is a funny kind of guy. The one time Hollywood golden Boy/Hellraiser.....turned reformed God loving maestro of all things B-movie. Like him or loathe him, he's usually earns his wage, regardless of the material at hand. Judging by his performance in SHARK IN VENICE, I'm guessing he was paid about $26?

(Nah...too easy)

We open in Venice (filmed on a back lot in Bulgaria, actually) as two underwater divers search the waters for the lost 'Medici Treasure'. Their every move is being watched on a computer screen by Mafioso boss Vito Clemenza, shouting out the orders behind a bad pair of shades (and looking like a cross between a stunted 'Al Lettieri' and Cat Stevens, circa 1971) His over the top 'Shaduppayaface' accent is the icing on the cake. Before the two divers can unearth the treasure, they receive fatal invitations to a great White Sharks 'wordhole' (leaving out the back doors, as sharkshit) as a screaming Clemenza shouts more profanities at his other goons.

("It's great to here at the Copacabana, folks!")

Cut to the Oceanographic Institute, San Francisco, where we witness Dr David Franks (Stephen Baldwin) giving the most monosymbolic lecture ever to some ('Dangerous Minds' cast reject) students about the perils of diving in Shark infested waters (no shit Sherlock) David is called out of class by the 'Dean', who informs our portly hero (dressed more like an extra from Kid Creole And The Coconuts, than a lecturer) that his father has gone missing in Venice, but that remains of some divers have been found in nearby waters that require identification. David, together with girlfriend Laura, drop everything (including 'acting lessons') and head to the "City of Water" to check it out.

(A suitably intense and enthused Stephen Baldwin)

Once in Venice, our hero and heroine are met by Venetian Police Lt. Sofia Totti, a hardnosed straight-taking (improbably glamorous blonde) Cop, who takes them to the morgue to identify the remains. With all the pent-up aggression of a recent coma patient (the already bored looking) David announces that these are "Not Propeller accidents...but Shark Attacks" but regardless of his highly improbable findings, neither of the chewed up cadavers are his father anyhow. So David seeks permission from Police Captain Bonasera, to search the waters were the other two hapless corpses were found.

(Shoes fixed whilst you wait)

Returning to his fathers hotel room, David finds it ransacked, but remembering that his father liked to hide stuff outback, finds a suitcase chained to the outside window in a (presumably) waterproof suitcase. Inside said case, is a diary,with details pertaining to the Medici Knights (that resilts in a much more exciting clip than this movie) as we witness medevil knights slaughtering throughout the crusades (circa 1271 AD) before burying the loot under the city of Venice (and then killing those that buried it...not the cleverest idea, to be honest)

(After a while, Moses threw his old business-cards in the lake)

With all the get-up-and-go of a third world crack addict (and a similar vacant disposition) David boards a boat, and together with colleague Peitro, go for an afternoon dive through the floating city. At this point, all reality goes walkabout, as it transpires that despite wearing nothing more than standard breathing apparatus, both divers can communicate to each other (and also to Laura and Sofia on the boat above) One minute into the water and Peitro is soon sharkshit, leaving David to locate the Secret Treasure Of The Medici (which is so shrouded in mystery, it's signposted on a misspelled tablet of stone)

(Raiders Of The Lost Revenue)

Fleeing the shark, David comes to a underground tunnel, in which he finds a couple of 'Indiana Jones' style man-traps..leading up to the magnificent treasure. David makes a mental note of where the tunnel is (which, given his general lack of interest throughout, must have been some strain?) and heads back through the water...only to be met by the same hungry shark, who proceeds to bite our hefty heroes leg off.

(Heather Mills gave it everything she got)

I know what you're thinking (other than my blog is shit)....you're thinking 'How can the hero have his leg bitten off? Trust me, it would probably be a blessing if the movie ended here (34 minutes in) But I at least expected long scenes of David being fitted with a prosthetic leg, and spending years in recovery from such a fatal injury....But no sir-fucking-ree......David wakes in a hospital without any wounds whatsoever, and the leg chomping incident is never brought up again (WTF?)

(Old Mother Goose...I fucker her!)

David is questioned in hospital by Captain Bonasera, and promises to leave Venice the next day, and not to meddle in the waters anymore. Checking out of the hospital, both David and Laura are approached by Rossi, a henchman for Clemenza, who invites them to have dinner with his boss (and given that our hero is unlikely to have ever met a meal he didn't like) David accepts. Clemenza offers David $20 million to retrieve the treasure for hm, but (with the free meal inside his ample guts) our hero declines the offer, leaving a pissed of Mafia boss.

(Diarrhoea-blowbacks are never a pretty site)

Meanwhile (probably due to the film-makers cocaine comedown) we are treat to a completely unrelated scene of a nearby couple standing near the waters, The guy is chomped upon by the fakest looking CGI effect, I've ever had the misfortune to witness. And you'd better lap it up, as most of the other shark attacks are either briefly glimpsed substandard National Geographic out-takes, or scenes from other NU IMAGE sharkfests.

(Cry me a river...you little biatch!)

Oddly forgetting his missing (possibly dead) father, the treasure, and his (non-existent) leg amputation, David spends his last day in Venice with Laura looking round the shops and markets, like tourists. No sooner has David wasted (I'm guessing) €2 on a bright orange scarf for his intended, than a bunch of bad guys kick the shit out of him, and kidnap Laura. David only takes a punch and a kick, but it's more than enough to leave our 'Luxurious lecturer' crying like a baby, although visibly conscious, whilst the love of his life is dragged off in front of his weeping eyes.

(David approximately 38 seconds after his girlfriends abduction)

An alarmingly Stoic David is questioned at the police station by Lt. Sofia, and is given a police escort to his hotel. Strangely enough, the unfazed David falls asleep (despite his girlfriend being abducted) and is paid a visit from two Abseiling/Rappelling hit men from another building (NOTE: same footage that TODAY YOU DIE 'borrowed' from THE ORDER) David attempts to fight off his attackers but (and as usual) gets his ass kicked, so is just content to flee, pulling a variety of oddball faces (as if Norman Wisdom remade The Marathon Man) whilst running like fuck, away from the action.

(Intense)

The following chase is the highlight of the movie (just like the chase in SHOTGUN) because of the cack-addled manner in which it's shot and choreographed. First off, Baldwin has (in most cases) a 'running-double', and secondly because we get a shot of Baldwin hiding in the shadows, that's later looped and re-used about 4 or 5 times more, throughout the movie. Baldwin flees more motorcycles and hit men in this movie, than actual sharks. Culminating in a half tasty punch up in a work shop, with our rotund hero actually winning a fucking fight, and threatening a goon with a buzzsaw for information on Laura's whereabouts.

(What you mean, Pauly Shore stole 'BIO-DOME'?)

A tipped off David finds a boat, sees Lauras orange scarf (despite the fact, she clearly dropped it before being abducted in the market square) and is promptly knocked the fuck out (and just as he'd actually won the previous fucking fight?) and sent to Clemenzas underwater liar. Our hirsute mafia boss explains that he's planted the sharks in these waters to stop people searching for the treasure, thus safeguarding it for himself. He also threatens to kill Laura, unless our heavy hero retrieves the treasure (should have took the $2m in the first place, dickhead!) And it transpires that Police Lt. Sofia Totti is in cahoots with the bad guys (fucking bitch!)

(Meat the wife)

So, together with henchmen Rossi and Carter, David once again returns to the site of the treasure (Carter 0 Shark 1) Finding the treasure, Rossi has his orders to kill our Obese oceanographer...butduring a punch up is accidentally killed by one of the many man-traps in the underground cave (a rusty gatehouse through the windpipe) David swims back to Clemenzas hide out, the blonde Police Lieutenant turns out to be pulling a double DOUBLE bluff on the Mafia boss, and actually is a honest cop, and a Venietian swat team join the party for a spot of 'John Woo' style heroic bloodshed (During which both Clemenza and David tussle in the water)

(The lucky ones left the set early)

After much shooting, and fisticuffs, Clemenza is eaten by his own creature (in a briefly glimpsed montage of shark footage) David is reunited with Laura, Lt, Sophia is commended for bravery and Captain Bonasera looks 'nice' in a bullet-proof vest. Despite remaining tight lipped about the treasure to the police, David smugly places a centuries old valuable necklace round Lauras neck (about 6 feet away from the police investigation) before our hero proposes to a shit-grinning heroine, who glibly remarks "Let's not have the honeymoon in Venice" (Ha-Fucking-Ha indeed!)



SHARK IN VENICE (sadly) sees NU IMAGE suffer the same problems they had with SHARK ATTACK (1999) by marketing a 'Shark' movie, with little shark action.....In realitym the movie is just some Romanian Crime flick with the occasional dorsal fin. However, it's all the better for having Stephen Baldwin as the lead (as opposed to the dire Casper Van Dien) Baldwin looks seriously stoned throughout the course of the movie, delivering his lines with a laughable stoicism. His (slight) weight problem, coupled with some skintight (badly fitting) sweaters doesn't help matters (it's probably not a great idea for the male hero to have bigger tits than the heroine?) And his delivery of insipid dialogue, coupled with his chipmunk features on a face that always looks like it's about to sneeze, make his performance funnier than it has any right to be. But hey, at least he's a Man Of God (cause I'm sick to fucking death of atheists) The films many faults aside, SHARK IN VENICE is a 'bad-movie' fans dream (albeit, not enough shark action, and too much borrowed footage)

(Watershit Down)

Whilst better than SHARK ATTACK, and a must for bad movie fans, the movie could/should have more shark action (and relevency) I find it hard to believe that NU IMAGE were still making stuff like this in 2007, and even more baffled that WARNER BROS released this movie on DVD in the UK?




MEMORABLE QUOTES:



Lt. Sofia Totti: "It's impossible...this is not happening"

Vito Clemenza: "You're going to be in Heaven in a moment, but first I'm going to put you through Hell!"

(Does my Bum/Tum/Chin/Girth/Tits/etc, look big in this?)

SHARK ATTACK 2 (2000)

I'm not sure who's the bravest...an audience wanting a sequel to SHARK ATTACK (1999) or a director assuming they had any right to make one. Both NU IMAGE and director David Worth had to deliver the goods this time (not too hard a task, given the mundane, almost pedestrian potboiler that the predecessor was)

Picture opens in Cape Town, South Africa, were sisters Samantha and Amy are indulging in a spot of underwater diving around a sunken vessel. Amy is attacked by a huge Great White Shark (or GWS, to save time) but not before Samantha manages to gouge out it's eye with her knife, before swimming to safety, and looking to even the score with towards our rubbery looking villain.

'One Week Later' (as the caption informs us) we cut to the soon-to-open 'Waterworld' fun park (JAWS III anyone?) and shifty (be-wigged) owner MichaelFrancisco arrives to snarl at his workforce (including weasel-like dogsbody Walker) and read the riot-act to marine expert Nick Harris (the permanently-shit-grinning hero of the movie)

Two kids spot a great white shark in the nearby inlet, who promptly eats their motorised boat. News of a GWS in these waters attracts the attention of the greedy Francisco, who then hires Nick to capture it alive and exhibit it as a "Star Attraction" for the opening of waterworld. Nick is reluctant, but threatened with his job if he doesn't come up with the goods.

Nick hires the services of two (inept fucker-upperer) brothers named Tom and Marcus Miller (and their not so mighty vessel 'The Wet Dream') to locate and drug the shark and bring it back to the underwater resort. Tom shits bricks upon seeing the shark they've captured, prompting Marcus to quip "I could use a beer, and Tom could use a change of underwear"

(Fins aint what they used to be)

News of the star attraction reaches a still traumatised Samantha (who recognises the one eyed monster as the beast that ate her sister) forcing her to don a 'ninja' outfit, break into Waterworld and attempt to shotgun blast the GWS's head open...before being thwarted by Nick. Despite the initial tension between the two, it's only a matter of time before both of them are 'bumping uglies'

The big opening day arrives and (dodgy looking) Mayor Shandu (Mercenary For Justice) is 'blah-blah'blah-ing' the press, as an anxious Francisco goes against Nicks orders and has the shark fed, as spectators are watching it through a glass window. Old 'One-Eye' goes apeshit, pulling on not only the food, but dragging in some luckless fucker into the tank, then literally tears him a new one, in front of the horrified gaze of a dozen or so kids.

One-Eye makes it out of the gates, but not before Nick attaches a tracking device. Francisco (bastard he is) blames Nick, and fires him. Forcing our erstwhile hero to hit the bottle (for a whole ten minutes) whilst subjected to the inane platitudes of salty sea dog (cum barman) TJ. Nick locates Samantha and explains that he's going to find the shark with his tracking device. And much chauvinistic "I'll go alone" remarks from Nick are matched with liberated "I can look after myself" retorts from a stroppy Samantha.

(The estimable TJ and his crowded bar)

Heading to meet the Miller brothers, Nick notices brash Australian celebrity hunter Roy Bishop (replete with ropey "G'day" accent and combat shorts, he sounds more like a cockney) and the two engage in a brief round of one-upmanship, before parting ways (the character of 'Roy Bishop' is clearly the Simon McCorkindale of the movie)

(Mockodile Dundee)

Arriving at the 'HMS Wet Dream' nick is stunned to see Samantha has already hired the boat, forcing Nick to reach a truce with the spunky blonde. But not before we discover (bizarrely) that Tom Miller has a penchant for downloading Internet porn? Little facts like this 'pearl' make all the difference, as far as I'm concerned.

Francisco arrives (out of nowhere) and reintroduces Nick to Roy (who's been hired by Waterworld, to find the missing shark) and the pair exchange more "fuck you-isms" (and Nick making Village People comparisons to Francisco and his new workforce) Nick, Samantha and the Miller Boys head off, and it's not long before the tracking device picks up signals from old one eye.

(I'm all out of 'FIN' gags...sorry folks!)

The shark attacks the boat, and a courageous Samantha gets to go ape-shit with her trusty shotgun, but to no avail. When 'One-Eye' (literally) rocks the boat, samantha falls overboard, but is rescued by Nick. Life-saving-Trimmage-repayment may only be a saxophone note away, but the shark is still out there. Making matters worse the 'Wet Dream' breaks down, and is subsequently rescued by Roy in his much bigger, flashier, expensive ship/cruise-liner.

(The new TAMPAX ads recieved one or two complaints)

Samantha is still having nightmares that the shark is still out there (replete with 'Discovery Channel' footage) but her fears are shortly forgotten the next day, when Aussie Roy proudly holds a press-conference at his capture of a shark (despite the fact, it's nowhere as big as One Eye) Francisco assures the public that the beaches are safe, but Nick is skeptical the Steve Irwin wannabe has caught the right fish.

(Be careful Nick, that Squirrel is looking for nuts)

The miller Boys boat is still under repair, so Nick uses the day, to take Samantha on a day out (accompanied to a truly turgid soul song) as they indulge in such romantic activities, like feeding squirrels, or standing alongside active cannons (prompting Samantha to exhibit the goofiest laugh ever committed to celluloid)

(You can see where AVATAR got it's ideas from)

Cue nighttime, and Nick sends in a 'borrowed' Hydrovision sub-cam to follow the shark signal in a nearby cave. However his monitor shows that there's at least six of the Great White fuckers. Whats worse is, these sharks are related to the experimental species from SHARK ATTACK I (although they incorrectly quote the previous scientist as Dr Craven....can't remember him?) and that they're growing at an accelerated level.

('TAKE THAT' were excited to be playing Mystery Gigs)

Taking this information to both Francisco and Mayor Shandu, Nick is non-plussed to discover that they chooser Roy to lead the search for the sharks. But (a few shark nets aside) the beaches remain open, and the 'Surfing Contest' is given the go-ahead as planned. Nick and Samantha patrol the beeches, whilst hotshot Roy goes searching for the shark cave.



Lowering two steel cages into the water, Roy and a (clearly expendable) assistant underestimate the power of these Sea-beasts, and aforementioned assistant to chomped upon, whilst Roy narrowly escapes.

(Words fail me)

Back at the beach, everyone is having fun...until that is Nicks tracking device goes apeshit (culminating in the now famous JAWS 'zoom in/pan out' shot) and all hell breaks loose. Several surfers are chowed down by packs of hungry sharks. Samantha stands mortified whispering sweet "Oh My God's" at the resulting carnage, whilst Nick 'borrows' a jet-ski' and attempts to save Marcus, but is too late as three (patently fake looking) sharks rip him apart.

(Turds fail me)

Pissed to the hilt,Nick tears Francisco and Shandu a new arsehole and swears revenge against the sharks. At this point (the usually topless) Roy is humbled by his near death experience (by wearing a buttoned up shirt) and makes friends with Nick (who incidentally, wears an unbuttoned shirt...talk about 'power shift) and together with Samantha, they put their differences aside and join forces.



Rigging up a similar (yet more powerful) sonar reactor, Nick trades in his 'Lifesaving-Nookie' card with Samantha (cue the Kenny G solo) and the next morning they head out in Roy's boat, replete with mini-sub, that's (quote) "Bought from Jacques Cousteau", 20 pound of underwater explosives, and a waterproof GLOCK 9. In a heartfelt melding of emotions and expert planning, Roy proudly proclaims "Let's go blow some shit up!"

(Nick pops a cap in it's sorry Great White ass)

The plan is simple, use the sonic waves to attract the sharks, then attach the explosives to the mini sub, and let the sharks follow it to the cave. Unfortunately, the sharks damage the mini sub (with the detonation counting down) so Roy must play martyr and self guide it in. Nick puts the GLOCK 9 to good use and blows it's fucking brains out. Sadly though, the other sharks set upon the Aussie huntsman, and all Nick and Samantha can do is flee the scene and wait for the explosion.



One Ka-boom! later, guess who floats to the surface, clutching a gnarled arm and a dodgy accent...none other than Roy Fucking Bishop. Shit-eating grins all round, titles roll, movie ends. Congratulations viewer...you are 90 minutes older!



SHARK ATTACK II (however derivative of the JAWS franchise) is a breath of fresh air, after it's lack-luster predecessor. Sure the 'pop-up' sharks look like enamel novelty rubbish bins, plus they roar louder than a dinosaur. I'm not sure how people talk and communicate with each other underwater, either. And to top it off, the performances are strictly SUNSET BEACH calibre...but at least it puts the sharks (and more importantly, their attacks) forefront of the picture. Whilst not as 'out-there' and fiendishly bad as the subsequent SHARK ATTACK III, it's still a great night in, to be enjoyed with like minded drinking buddies, laughing away, whilst spotting the many references to 1975 Spielberg classic. Highly Recommended!