We're tired of the rumours!

A Moroccan musician...


A Canadian freight company...



A women's centre in Spain...


Claflin University's Orange Maroon Athletics Scholarship Association (OMASA)...



No, we are not the secret missing links between Barack Obama and Osama Bin Laden!!

Obama and Clinton to continue with unity symbolism.

Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are to continue a series of events, designed to demonstrate their unity, in light of their heated campaign for the Democratic nomination. Next week, they will spend the day together meeting the cast of FRIENDS, having a HAPPY meal at McDonalds, visiting a pair of conJOINED twins as well as a faith HEALER, flying on UNITED Airlines across the country and rounding the day off with a party hosted by HAPPINESS director Todd Solondz. It is hoped that this will once and for all settle any negative feelings within the party.

Henman "Anthology" project will chart the life and times of Tiger Tim.

A major project known simply as "The Tim Henman Anthology" has been green-lit, according to several media sources. Purportedly, the project will cover the life and career of retired British tennis player Tim Henman. According to an insider, "It will be a major eight part documentary series, and there will also be a book and CD release."

The documentary series will take a broad look at the life and career of Henman - from the early years playing tennis, to Henmania, to the controversial later years when he experimented with bananas during breaks. There will also be humour, such as the time he hit a ballgirl with a ball and also a look at controversial moments such as the famous remark he once made that he was "a good tennis player."

But the series will also go further. Using digital technology, the CD releases will manipulate several recordings of tennis matches that Henman lost, to create the sound of a brand new Wimbledon final in which Henman emerges as the winner. According to the source "We wanted to give the fans something new, and this was a great way to have Tim actually win something."

South African President Thabo Mbeki answers reader's questions.

Dear Mr President,
My husband beats me regularly. Should I leave him?
Alice, UK

President Mbeki:
You must ask yourself - "What have I done to annoy him?" I would suggest making him a nice dinner, and then maybe he might stop. Just don't do anything rash.


Dear Mr President,
I had unsafe sex with a stranger and am worried I might have caught HIV. What should I do?
Noel, Denmark

President Mbeki:
A long bath and a good scrub will put you right. If that doesn't work, eat some garlic.


Dear Mr President,
I am worried my husband may be abusing our daughter. I want to confront him about it, but am scared he will lose his temper.
Jonah, US

President Mebeki:
You musn't confront him as it may make things unstable. Instead, try to harmonise the situation. Have sex with him more often, then he won't feel the need to have sex with his daughter.


Dear Mr President,
Some people in my community have signed a petition about the water quality. I know the water is contaminated with lead, but should I get involved?
Manuel, Ecuador

President Mbeki:
No. Absolutely not. Stirring things up just makes things worse. Just boil the water before you drink it and you will be OK.


Dear Mr President,
I am eleven years old and a boy at school keeps taking my lunch money. Please help.
Timmy, Canada

President Mbeki:
Try to give him even more money then he wants. This will make him very happy and he might become your friend. And make sure you don't tell anyone else.


Dear Mr President,
I think I saw my neighbour kill somebody in his kitchen yesterday. Then I went there this morning and heard some strange noises coming from the cellar. Should I tell the police?
Martine, France

President Mbeki:
Buy some ear muffs - they are good for blocking sounds. Some very thick sunglasses will help you to avoid seeing such things in the future.

McGann: Ince hasn't been vetted.

Former Doctor Who star Paul McGann has launched a fierce attack on newly appointed Blackburn Rovers manager Paul Ince. In a statement issued by McGann, the actor asked "What do we know about this guy, anyway? He hasn't been vetted and may be unprepared to meet the challenges of leading such an important team." McGann also added "What about international matches? How do we know he will represent our interests? I heard a rumour that he prefers rugby to football - it may be untrue, but it certainly gives cause for doubt."

This week, Paul Ince became the first ever black manager of a major English football team - in 1993, he bacame the first ever black player to captain the England squad. During his career as a football player, Ince played for clubs including Manchester United, Liverpool and West Ham United.

Nigerian man who wants to give away millions complains of negative bias.

A Nigerian millionaire who inherited his fortune after a deceased princess left him $30,000,000 in gold dust has complained that his generosity is being ignored. The millionaire decided last month to deposit the money in the bank account of a complete stranger in order to "make someone happy." However, after sending out hundreds of emails to potential recipients, he realised that he was being frustrated by a negative bias created by spammers. "They have made life very difficult for genuine philanthropist businessmen like myself. I have offered the money to thousands of people - I even labelled the emails 'MOST URGENT' and emphased the notion of trust. But no response...it is very sad."

California legislation sees Van Damme become first person to marry his own ass.

Exposing a loophole in new California legislation allowing same-sex marriages, on Saturday action star Jean-Claude Van Damme became the first person to marry his own ass. The ceremony attended by several fellow action stars including Chuck Norris and Stephen Segal took place at a Hollywood registry office and involved attaching a complex series of mirrors to Van Damme enabling him a direct view of his own ass. Following an exchange of vows, a doctor temporarily removed one of Van Damme's vertebrae enabling the action star to seal the marriage with a loving kiss.

Van Damme was able to marry his own ass after lawyers discovered that the law enabling same sex marriages in California included some "fuzzy language". They successfully argued that such marriages could involve only one person, or even take place between different body parts. In a statement to the press, Van Damme noted "For years, narcissists have been discriminated against. Now we finally get justice. My ass and I are going to have many happy years together."