Mike Read: "Buy my single or you just don't care about the world."

Former British DJ Mike Read has released a new charity single which deals with many of the problems faced by the world in 2008. Yet, two weeks on from the CD's release, sales remain woefully low. Speaking at a publicity event for the single named "Read my Lips" Mr Read stated "People have a choice, don't buy the single and do nothing about the world's problems, or set off a chain reaction that gets our leaders to wake up and change the world. That is the choice. I just can't believe people are so apathetic."

Here are the lyrics:

Read my Lips
Written and performed by Mike Read

There was an earthquake in China,
But together we can build a liner,
That takes us to a better place...

There was a monsoon in Burma,
But you don't have to be a learner,
To sail the ship that takes us to a better place...

Read my lips
Read my lips
With some shaking hips,
And the world's microchips,
We - yes, we can do better.

Mugabe committed fraud,
But you don't need to use a sword,
To steer towards a better place...

Fuel costs are climbing,
But together the world is chiming
A bell that lets us know we're going to a better place...

Read my lips Read my lips
With some shaking hips,
And the world's microchips,
We - yes, we can do better.

No real hope for Tibet,
But I'm willing to place a bet,
That this song can take us to a better place...

The Lisbon Treaty is stuck,
The EU is in the muck,
But the EU and the world can find a better place...

Read my lips
Read my lips
With some shaking hips,
And the world's microchips,
We - yes, we can do better.

Read my lips
Read my lips
With some shaking hips,
And the world's microchips,
We - yes, we can do better.

If the whole world sings this song...

Henman Hill buckles under pressure.

A viewing area on the grounds of the All England Club, which hosts the Wimbledon tennis championships has buckled under the pressure of hundreds of spectators crowding to watch tennis matches on a big-screen. The area, known as "Henman Hill" was named after now retired British tennis player Tim Henman. Engineers at the club became worried after hundreds of fans of current British hopeful Andy Murray crowded the site to watch the Scottish player's latest match. Following his victory, they noticed that the hill - also often referred to as "Murray Mound" had began to subside. "The hill just can't take the pressure of all these fans. We may have to find a way of relieving the pressure, or the entire area may collapse," said one official at the site.

BBC orders investigation after phone poll names Blue Peter cat "Mugabe."

The BBC has ordered an immediate investigation after a telephone competition to name a cat on the children's television programme Blue Peter, led to it being christened "Mugabe." Official results showed that the name "Mugabe" won 85.5% percent of the vote, a stunning figure. Other names such as "Kitty" or "Mitty" barely registered at all in the poll. Yet the BBC has rejected accusations that the competition was rigged, insisting that the phone poll was both free and fair.

We're tired of the rumours!

A Moroccan musician...


A Canadian freight company...



A women's centre in Spain...


Claflin University's Orange Maroon Athletics Scholarship Association (OMASA)...



No, we are not the secret missing links between Barack Obama and Osama Bin Laden!!

Obama and Clinton to continue with unity symbolism.

Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are to continue a series of events, designed to demonstrate their unity, in light of their heated campaign for the Democratic nomination. Next week, they will spend the day together meeting the cast of FRIENDS, having a HAPPY meal at McDonalds, visiting a pair of conJOINED twins as well as a faith HEALER, flying on UNITED Airlines across the country and rounding the day off with a party hosted by HAPPINESS director Todd Solondz. It is hoped that this will once and for all settle any negative feelings within the party.

Henman "Anthology" project will chart the life and times of Tiger Tim.

A major project known simply as "The Tim Henman Anthology" has been green-lit, according to several media sources. Purportedly, the project will cover the life and career of retired British tennis player Tim Henman. According to an insider, "It will be a major eight part documentary series, and there will also be a book and CD release."

The documentary series will take a broad look at the life and career of Henman - from the early years playing tennis, to Henmania, to the controversial later years when he experimented with bananas during breaks. There will also be humour, such as the time he hit a ballgirl with a ball and also a look at controversial moments such as the famous remark he once made that he was "a good tennis player."

But the series will also go further. Using digital technology, the CD releases will manipulate several recordings of tennis matches that Henman lost, to create the sound of a brand new Wimbledon final in which Henman emerges as the winner. According to the source "We wanted to give the fans something new, and this was a great way to have Tim actually win something."

South African President Thabo Mbeki answers reader's questions.

Dear Mr President,
My husband beats me regularly. Should I leave him?
Alice, UK

President Mbeki:
You must ask yourself - "What have I done to annoy him?" I would suggest making him a nice dinner, and then maybe he might stop. Just don't do anything rash.


Dear Mr President,
I had unsafe sex with a stranger and am worried I might have caught HIV. What should I do?
Noel, Denmark

President Mbeki:
A long bath and a good scrub will put you right. If that doesn't work, eat some garlic.


Dear Mr President,
I am worried my husband may be abusing our daughter. I want to confront him about it, but am scared he will lose his temper.
Jonah, US

President Mebeki:
You musn't confront him as it may make things unstable. Instead, try to harmonise the situation. Have sex with him more often, then he won't feel the need to have sex with his daughter.


Dear Mr President,
Some people in my community have signed a petition about the water quality. I know the water is contaminated with lead, but should I get involved?
Manuel, Ecuador

President Mbeki:
No. Absolutely not. Stirring things up just makes things worse. Just boil the water before you drink it and you will be OK.


Dear Mr President,
I am eleven years old and a boy at school keeps taking my lunch money. Please help.
Timmy, Canada

President Mbeki:
Try to give him even more money then he wants. This will make him very happy and he might become your friend. And make sure you don't tell anyone else.


Dear Mr President,
I think I saw my neighbour kill somebody in his kitchen yesterday. Then I went there this morning and heard some strange noises coming from the cellar. Should I tell the police?
Martine, France

President Mbeki:
Buy some ear muffs - they are good for blocking sounds. Some very thick sunglasses will help you to avoid seeing such things in the future.